Or I should say the days I worried about my own head and hide more than the horse's "feelings".
It seems like all I do some days is worry. Worry about the horse's threshold, shutting down... Is that a calming signal? Did I create the tension he's releasing? Maybe I should ask less... maybe they need to move their feet more...
I've lost a lot of confidence and a little bit of myself in a year of listening to new ideas and stepping back to watch the horse and consider him more deeply as an individual being with his own thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Sometimes I wish I could go back. Some of the fun and joy has left the work. It's my own fault for allowing worry to consume me... and for taking myself so seriously.
It can be especially confusing being at 2 barns. One celebrates all things still. The other works in forward. I find myself stuck in between unsure of where to go, what to do, what is best.
There are some tense moments in the ring with Atticus. The me who will not be ignored and must dominate fights with the diaphanous me who can be trusted to care for the horses truth while being ever light and gentle battles it out with the me who must please and do what is asked of her. Layer on the books, ideas and techniques that are completely new and must be given consideration and possibly tried...
Yes, I get in quite a muddle. Atticus is perfection as he deals with each of my personalities. I am grateful. And I don't want it to sound to heavy. We have a lot of fun and laughter in the midst of my crazy.
SO...
After yesterday's muddle time with and on Atticus, I left thinking. (Big shock I know) I thought about how much fun I used to have riding Matilda and Hero; I never doubted that they were enjoying the time in and out of the saddle.
I thought about the relationships that have been built through moving together; the bonds formed through challenges met...
I thought about my husband. I try to ask him what he wants, give him a voice (occasionally) but then he tells me it's so much easier if I just tell him what we should do. He doesn't mind and often prefers it.
Is it possible that it's ok if I make the choice and don't ask "is this ok with you?" every moment?
So I decided to ride. Grab a horse, brush him, tack him and ride him. Hero has said no to everything from leaving the pasture to saddles to bridles to mounting lately.
But maybe he is saying no to the constant questioning.
I gave myself permission to not ask his permission for a couple hours. That doesn't mean I didn't notice things. I did and I shifted what I was doing based on what I saw. I just didn't stop.
I noticed the releases, the relaxation while grooming. I haven't seen that in a while. I tacked. He took the bit without fuss. He stood while I mounted....
Then I realized the girth was way loose. I could deal with that.
Then I realized the stirrups were set for someone about 10 inches shorter than me. (I was too excited and way out of practice. I guess I wasn't "noticing" as much as I thought) Jockey riding... umm, no. Blevins slide from the saddle. Why not?
And so I rode. It's been a while. I can't remember the last time I rode like that here at BW. Working without worry. A strange feeling. I worked on long legs, fixed hands, softly moving seat and riding the back of the horse... I felt his back open and his right hind reach deeper in response to me unlocking my own sticky hip.
We wove between poles, backed and did something that might work towards a leg yield down the road. He even gave me 2 strides of trot...
And I noticed. I noticed the releases, the ears, where his attention went and how fast or slow I was able to get it back. I noticed how his body straightened and his walk tightened when I wasn't paying attention and let my body stiffen.
I didn't leave behind all the new awareness today. Just the worry.
After the ride, I gave him another good brushing and did some other things he hasn't let me do for awhile.
I showed him a kitten and let him explore the table. He rang the bell on the wall 3 times and we were done.
Maybe this year I will start bringing it all together. Layering the things I've learned onto who I am and what I do, rather than trying to change to be a false me that fits an ideal I have... but just isn't me. Finding balance between the mes that are constantly doing battle so that we can have fun and get things done.
So today I re-re-restarted Hero under saddle. We'll see how it goes. I'll let you know if he chases me out of the paddock tomorrow.
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