A Small Moment

You know that feeling you get when you have an idea (or a picture in your head) that is not logical, makes you feel a little silly really. You set it aside but it comes back. Then it becomes something you should do. Sometimes something you must do. I had one. I carried through on the idea and I want to remember because it was silly, strange and important.

I spent some time grooming Hero, not too much, just knocking the worst of the dried mud and dust off. We took a walk together into the field where the longer grass is allowed to grow. We walked over the hill to the place where Matilda and Teo are buried.

Doing all this self-work, connection-work, relationship-work.... re-reading my blog and having my eyes opened to how much we did and how much I have forgotten... I realized I had things to say. To all of them.

And so Hero and I went to see our friends. I think that when I first started working with Hero, he was part of a team. Now, Odin went back to a previous owner... Teo and (of course) the incomparable Matilda have moved on. I love all the horses  at Bramblewood but a certain group that I felt attached to are gone. Except for Hero. So he came with me to talk to the pinnacles of the group. Matilda and Teo.

I sat in the long grass and let Hero graze behind me. As these things go, the moment I sat I forgot everything I planned to say but I fumbled through the heart of it. 

As I spoke to our friends, I could hear Hero munching behind me. I could feel him moving away from us through the pull of the lead rope as he went for the most delectable grass which was, as always seems to be the case, 2 inches further away than his lead rope would reach.

I turned my attention to Hero, to include him in the conversation and drop some thoughts into his heart. After a short bit, I noticed that he was inching closer. Ultimately, as I talked to him as an equal, his nose was close to my knee and he was on top of me. Always munching. 

I think and talk about Hero being distant, disconnected, aloof but here he is coming close and leaning into my words. I wonder if I underestimate him.

I don't know what happened there. I don't understand it. But that happened. Fact. I want to remember.

I.Am.Atticus.

This is Atticus.

He belongs to me. And I belong to him.

So, here's what happened...

I've been riding at a barn, taking lessons, near my home. Atticus was at that barn, had been for 12 years. My trainer, the owner, decided it was time for Atticus and her to part ways. I had been asking to sit on him, begging really. I mean, he is a big black draft, standing in the field with his buds. Clearly, he was calling me. 

One fateful day, my lesson was canceled and I went out into the paddock and spent some time.... BRUSHING HIM! It was amazing. He was so quiet and showed me his itchy spots. I loved it. Loved being with him.

I told my husband about it that night. I guess I gushed.

The next day, he messaged me and said that we could have him, if Margo would sell him to me and I could take care of the upkeep. (I think he might have been a little worried about my ongoing grief over losing Penny).

The next day, Margo let me play with him. What a solid mind. Non-plussed (sound familiar?). He was solid enough that she was ok with me sitting on him.

And the deal was made. 

It has been 3 months and I am still a little disbelieving. We spend a lot of time together standing in the paddock and taking each other in. He doesn't always understand me and I frequently mis-read him. When I do, he turns his back to me or walks away. My bad.

He has wonderful manners (to me) but doesn't like being ridden (by me at least). He just stands and looks at my foot. I can push and get some movement out of him but it creates bad feelings on both sides. I know it's possible though so it's just figuring out how to help us both feel good about that part of our time together.

It's kind of strange that with Bella, Matilda and Hero the struggle came down to being out of control as we flew around the arena full tilt. With Atticus, we are at a stand still. Typical rides sort of feel like this:

Walk?

No...

.... How about now??

Ummmmm... yeah, still no.

One step?

What's that foot doing? I shall bite your toes..

NO! JUST WALK ONE FREAKING STEP!

Well, maybe... Nah.

WalkWalkWalk.

Sigh. One-step. Fine.

YAY!!! Now we shall stand in the sun while I scratch your whithers you fantastic animal!

What's that foot doing? I shall bite your toes..

Like I said, if I really push he goes. And we've done some nice movement together. But it's rough and can become a battle. I'm trying to avoid that but struggle with the balance between connection, relationship, boundaries and goals. It's tough. But fun.

I have to remind myself it has only been a few months and we don't have anyplace we need to be.

I have so much to say but this is getting long already. I'm ready to start logging this journey though so buckle in.

One last note for my journal, he has let me get on him bare back a couple of times now. This is saying something as it is a process. He's so big, I have to line him up right next to the fence. He has to be willing to stand there while I climb up, sit on the fence, carefully pat his back, put a leg over and shift weight from fence to back. The first time I tried, I got to 'sit on fence' when he moved his rear away and put his head on my lap. I can't think of a kinder way to say "Nope". Thank you sir.

The last time I was on him (bare back)  we moved around the ring, walking a few steps and grazing. Just him and me on a sunny day. Halter and lead rope, one rein steering. I kept some promises and he let me sit there. Only tried to bite my foot twice. So maybe a little trust and confidence was built between us that day. I'm good with that.