Pretense, Perception, Truth

I get so tired of my own deep, examining, over-thinking thoughts. I want to go through life with a light heart and laughter. Always. I really do. But here I am. Ugh.

My husband and I had a really wonderful vacation. I wanted to read horse books, watch horse videos and catch up on all the things but we spent two days being total tourists, 4 days with my family and walking on sand and one full day at the airport. It was really wonderful.

Coming home from an actual vacation is hard. Always. The reality of life is hard.

For me? I have barely thought of a horse for 7-10 days. I come home to face one and think: 'What the hell was I doing (or planning to do) with this?' 'They are so big!' 'HUH?!?'

The week was hard. The temperatures dropped, the wind picked up and I suspect the mares are on the edge of a big heat cycle. I was impatient, my hands got torn up and I was a little lost.

But I have to back up a bit. Between vacation and the work week came 9/11. Facebook reminded me that 9/11 was... well... 9/11 and the 3 year anniversary of Matilda's passing announcement. Sprinkle on top a couple pics of Penny in the rosy dawn and I was thoughtful. And deeply sad.

But I don't want to take people (or my future self reading this) through everything. It's sort of depressing so here's the upshot, the gist of it all...

I got to a really good place with Matilda and Hero (and Penny). Just me and some books and my imagination and some people I respected to go to with questions when they arose. How the horses did in a lesson program is a different question, having more to do with them than me.

I have described myself (to myself  and others have agreed) as hard, harsh, angry, unemotional.  My training methods are steeped in coercion  and dominance. But that is not all there is, not all there was. ( FYI, Lockie says unemotional means I exist in Fight/Flight/Freeze)

I have so much to learn. I can do better. I can be better. That does not mean I am wrong where I am today. That does not mean I was wrong in what I did years ago. 

I thought I needed to change myself to show up for the horses and my life. I do still need to be open to growth, absolutely. More than that, however, I must change my perception of who I am and have been. It's not correct. It's built on who I have tried to be and who I thought I was in other people's eyes. That is not always the truth.

I am starting to see myself now. I won't say all that I am because I still have pride in the facade. I've worked hard at it. I have a right to hold on to it but I am starting to see it for what it is... a facade for the other. The horses know. 

So I am slowly breaking the paralysis thought of "If I ask the horse to do, I will ruin the relationship because I am a burden and it is wrong and I am too hard and mean. I never care and I am a cold... so and so"

When I feel the paralysis coming near, I take a breath and ask myself, "If this were Matilda, what would I do?" Just do the work. Just ride. Ask. Play. Learn. 

And So: Atticus (subtitled: The C Word)

Atticus. My horse. MY Horse. So patient. So itchy. He's a giant and I love him. We've spent the last year staring, scratching, some riding (mostly not moving, see: I.Am.Atticus.)

Our successes and failures are ours alone. And that's a little scary.

As with Hero, this week has been a redefining of how we exist in the world. I think Sunday was the first day I really committed to full on riding him. He became close to responsive!

Follow up on Wednesday, he was moving so well. I was really excited until it hit me that I actually can't ride this horse... yet. He is powerful and was moving out. Did I mention huge? I am eternally left behind at the trot and just hanging onto the front of the saddle for dear life. I feel a little like a fish out of water flopping around on his poor back. 

Fortunately, Margo was there to shout out helpful suggestions like "turn at the waist!" (Like I can feel my waist?!?)  "Why are you hanging on to the saddle?" (Damn, she noticed. No more hiding my floundering about up here.) "If you feel like your bouncing, you must be bracing somewhere!" (Probably more like EVERYWHERE, I'm TRYING not to somersault over his back as he trots merrily out from under me!!) 

But the best was her suggestion to stand in the stirrups to better feel the rhythm. Sure! I said. Sounds good!

So My Dear Atticus picked up a trot. I stood in the stirrups. He turned toward the 2 mares in heat, standing beside the ring and cantered towards them. (WTAF?!?! More Canter this week??)

Fortunately, my current Atticus Riding Strategy of lean back and hang on for dear life served me well.

Margo lives for these moments, I think. She almost fell over laughing so hard. And in truth it was only a few steps of the most lovely canter. I think. It's hard to feel when your body and mind are simultaneously saying "AAAAAHHHHH!" 

(It's the same way she laughed when she found me trying to get on him bareback and bridleless. Jumping up and down next to him, clinging, sliding. I literally ended up scrambling up his side like I was climbing a ladder with no rungs. While he quietly muched on some grass. We were both in hysterics. He didn't seem to notice. Love that horse)

But we all pulled it together and talked it out. Margo shortened my stirrups, isolated the brace primarily happening in my shoulders and chest, and we came up with a few strategies to help my body figure out how to keep up with this new level of motion and power. 

This will be a challenge. Definitely. I'm excited to ride on and figure it out. I just know we are going to be brilliant!

As with all things in life, when you chart a new and exciting course, find yourself launching out and are all enthusiastic and stuff, something comes along to knock the wind out of your sails. So it is for me, I'm all ready to ride every day and get things going and I hit a snag. A small one but enough to deflate me a bit.

My knock came in a visit to the dermatologist this week. Turns out that long complicated string of nonsense words from a biopsy is not good. It's pre-cancer, he tells me, looking to turn left into the melanoma kind. And we need to get it out now. 

Not a big deal, getting it cut out. It will be taken care of next week and will be about a 2-3 inch cut with stitches. On the inside of my leg. Of course. No riding until the stitches come out, please. 7-10 days. Of course. Sigh.

I'm still trying to decide how I feel about this. It was a shock and it turns out the phrase "make sure the margins are clear" is a little bit of a panic button for me. I guess from my Mom's days of breast and colon cancer. 

The hardest part right now is to stay grounded and not let my mind spin and spiral towards the Galaxy of Melodrama, wherein I throw myself on a couch with the vapors screaming "I'm TO YOUNG TO DIE!!" 

No.

To be clear, I do not have cancer. I have a spot that never sees the sun that is thinking about it and so it will be removed and all will be well. 

Yes.

It's a good thing I have spent the last year or so finding out that horses don't need to be ridden in order to be a part of their world. Another week or two of hanging out with my friends will be a joy.

News from the Paddock and Beyond

He has not pinned his ears at me or bared his teeth. He has not chased me out of the paddock or tried to kick me. Our relationship did not fall apart immediately following that first ride. 

In fact, the day after he found me sitting on one of my favorite rocks, marched over gave me a good shove in the back and hung out with me. We established last summer that walking up and touching me with his nose was asking me to come with him so I matched steps for a bit and gave him some scratches. 

George thought I was ok that day too.

I am 3 rides in now and definitely finding fun. He is an easy ride for me and I get carried away quickly (metaphorically and literally). His slow trot and easy turns give me space to think and to feel.

Today, I was reminded that I have to stay focused and mind myself while learning to have fun again.

I planned a long ride full of slow movements and lots of transitions but he swept me away. He seemed willing to do all things so we trotted and stopped and walked and did turn on the forehand, turn on the haunches and trotted more. 

I wasn't really thinking about it, just enjoying. I tried a little leg yield at the trot and he decided a canter was the better option. I thought it would just be a few steps so I rode it out. But it didn't stop.  I grabbed the reins, then relaxed the reins, sat, realized I was bouncing on him, then stood a little... grabbed the reins again... Took me about a lap and a half to figure out what I was supposed to do with that thing. Finally, I remembered the open rein and large spiraling circle to slow him.

It wasn't pretty but we made it. 

When the same thing happened later, I was prepared and like to think the circle to slow was a little more elegant. 

We went through it all. And my with all that my planned lo g ride only lasted about 30 minuntes. I got off and my brain started processing all that happened. In a good way.

The first thought was thar all this riding happened in front of campers. As BW launches it's non-ridden camps, it was probably not so fair to cowboy it up at that moment. Awareness.

Hero is the same as he was when I first started with him. He is enough "with me" to make it work but mostly consumed with shade, the gate and other horses. I have to do things (small things but have to be done) in order to bring him back to the moment. Constantly. Presence.

He can be really fast. There is little thought to his more forward gaits. You can feel him the "escape attempt" underneath you. Fun to ride. For now. Ground and breathe.

I realize if I don't mind myself we will be right back to where we were when things went off the rails with him. I can have my fun but not so much that I let us stay where we are. Or worse. Go back.

And not so much that I forget where I am and what is happening at BW... The connection and groundwork is vital to our horses and our community. 

So we will work. And play. Ground, Aware, Present in the saddle as we learn to breathe together. As I figure out how to draw the horses mind more and more...

Yes, Hero is the same. I am not. 

I Did A ThingToday

Sometimes I wish I had never started this blasted journey. I miss the days of... not caring or seeing quite so much. Not worrying nearly so much. 

Or I should say the days I worried about my own head and hide more than the horse's "feelings".

It seems like all I do some days is worry. Worry about the horse's threshold, shutting down... Is that a calming signal? Did I create the tension he's releasing? Maybe I should ask less... maybe they need to move their feet more...

I've lost a lot of confidence and a little bit of myself in a year of listening to new ideas and stepping back to watch the horse and consider him more deeply as an individual being with his own thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Sometimes I wish I could go back. Some of the fun and joy has left the work. It's my own fault for allowing worry to consume me... and for taking myself so seriously.

It can be especially confusing being at 2 barns. One celebrates all things still. The other works in forward. I find myself stuck in between unsure of where to go, what to do, what is best.

There are some tense moments in the ring with Atticus. The me who will not be ignored and must dominate fights with the diaphanous me who can be trusted to care for the horses truth while being ever light and gentle battles it out with the me who must please and do what is asked of her. Layer on the books, ideas and techniques that are completely new and must be given consideration and possibly tried...

Yes, I get in quite a muddle. Atticus is perfection as he deals with each of my personalities. I am grateful.  And I don't want it to sound to heavy. We have a lot of fun and laughter in the midst of my crazy.

SO...

After yesterday's muddle time with and on Atticus, I left thinking. (Big shock I know)  I thought about how much fun I used to have riding Matilda and Hero; I never doubted that they were enjoying the time in and out of the saddle.

I thought about the relationships that have been built through moving together; the bonds formed through challenges met...

I thought about my husband. I try to ask him what he wants, give him a voice (occasionally) but then he tells me it's so much easier if I just tell him what we should do. He doesn't mind and often prefers it.

Is it possible that it's ok if I make the choice and don't ask "is this ok with you?" every moment? 

So I decided to ride. Grab a horse, brush him, tack him and ride him. Hero has said no to everything from leaving the pasture to saddles to bridles to mounting lately.

But maybe he is saying no to the constant questioning. 

I gave myself permission to not ask his permission for a couple hours. That doesn't mean I didn't notice things. I did and I shifted what I was doing based on what I saw. I just didn't stop. 

I noticed the releases, the relaxation while grooming. I haven't seen that in a while. I tacked. He took the bit without fuss. He stood while I mounted....

Then I realized the girth was way loose. I could deal with that.

Then I realized the stirrups were set for someone about 10 inches shorter than me. (I was too excited and way out of practice. I guess I wasn't "noticing" as much as I thought) Jockey riding... umm, no. Blevins slide from the saddle. Why not?

And so I rode. It's been a while. I can't remember the last time I rode like that here at BW. Working without worry. A strange feeling. I worked on long legs, fixed hands, softly moving seat and riding the back of the horse... I felt his back open and his right hind reach deeper in response to me unlocking my own sticky hip. 

We wove between poles, backed and did something that might work towards a leg yield down the road. He even gave me 2 strides of trot... 

And I noticed. I noticed the releases, the ears, where his attention went and how fast or slow I was able to get it back. I noticed how his body straightened and his walk tightened when I wasn't paying attention and let my body stiffen. 

I didn't leave behind all the new awareness today. Just the worry. 

After the ride, I gave him another good brushing and did some other things he hasn't let me do for awhile. 

I showed him a kitten and let him explore the table. He rang the bell on the wall 3 times and we were done.

Maybe this year I will start bringing it all together. Layering the things I've learned onto who I am and what I do, rather than trying to change to be a false me that fits an ideal I have... but just isn't me. Finding balance between the mes that are constantly doing battle so that we can have fun and get things done. 

So today I re-re-restarted Hero under saddle. We'll see how it goes. I'll let you know if he chases me out of the paddock tomorrow.

Consistent in my Lack of Consistency

This is muddy because the thoughts are incomplete and possibly incoherent... just sayin.

Be consistent.

Show up for your horse in the same way everyday.

Learn to be aware of and control your emotions and energy.

No expectations.

Be authentic.

Be calm/quiet for your horse, even in the storm.

Be present.

Be aware.

Authenticity, Parasympathetic, Sympathetic

Be your horse's safe place.

Energy, energy, energy.

Intuition....

Huh? How? What are we even talking about?

All of these things (and more) have become a regular part of our conversations regarding horses. To be truthful, they always have been but they are newly at the forefront of my thinking so deserve a moment here in my journal.

There has been a danger and a misreading here, for my overachieving, rule following, please don't get it wrong or you will have failed brain. I heard and read the words over and over and *tried* to do it *all* one day. Yes, my expectation is that it should take one day to achieve all... one day to have no expectations? 

One of many problems with this approach is that these ideas all have meaning. Deep meaning that should be considered, pondered, known and understood (at least in part). They won't be taken or grasped in an instant of greed. Some of them are contradictory. Some are nonsensical. Some are a fad. They all are important.

Without consideration, the goal as i saw it was to try and show up as all those things for the horse, every day, in the same way. Create a genuine sense of calm, quiet, stillness in myself before going to the horse and trying to stay there no matter what. Or going back to it if I lost that sense of quiet. And if you can't get there, don't go there. Don't bring anything else to the horse.

The good news is that I have become much better at steadying myself and quieting my mind by continually trying to be some sort of zen master in flowing white robes.

The bad news? Even calm, quiet can be formulaic, robotic and unnatural. Trying to be the exact same thing every day is not real.

As I stayed quiet with the horse each day, whether the horse was up, down, sleepy, watchful or anxious, I started wondering why I thought the horse couldn't  cope with my own energetic and emotional changes. Maybe I had missed something in my interpretation of all these phrases that were being thrown around all the time. I would never expect my horse to be the same every day. Why do I think I need to be? 

What if I use treats one day and not the next? If we do work on the lunge, ride for an hour on Tuesday and Wednesday I want to sit near the horse and watch the clouds go by while I listen to him munch softly? Am I confusing him? Destroying any chance of relationship by being hopelessly muddled to him? 

I had to sit and think about how to be consistent when everything in me shifts and changes from second to second and heartbeat to heartbeat. I'm *starting* to figure it out. 

For me, being consistent will not be about always trying to create the emotions or the energy that I am putting into the world. (Though that is a useful tool) Consistency will begin to come through watchfulness and letting the horse be part of the conversation every time. The best way I can explain is by telling the stories of 2 different days with Atticus.

Day 1. I desperately wanted to be with him. Scratch him, walk with him, work with him. Every time I got close, he walked away. I could feel that he was content in his own world and did not want to be part of mine. I stood at a distance, walked the paddock and interacted with other horses who came to say hello. I was with him but honored his wish for me to not be all over him that day. Before I left, he walked up to me and we had some good scratching time. So much richer because it was abundantly clear that this was his choice and I didn't force myself on him.

Day 2. I couldn't. I wanted to want to be with him but my body felt heavy and fatigued. My mind was full of all the things that needed to be done and I was standing in the cold, wet, mud. Again. I stood at a distance, watching Atticus nap, waiting to feel energized and ready to go. Didn't happen. When he woke up, he gave a good shake, looked around, saw me and walked over. He was looking to be with me. I poked around a bit, scratching a tiny not muddy spot, with my mind flying around all the things. Half-assing our time. No. I told him I just couldn't that day, invited him to follow me to the gate, where I gave him treats and left. I honored my body by leaving. It broke my heart to do so but I knew I would do no good standing there as an empty shell or asking for things without focus. It might even do a little damage.

So, I look to myself, I look at the horse, be honest about where we are and know that that how we feel will be a part of our interactions and will change how we interact on any given day. Lean into the changes, the beautiful differences that a new day or moment can bring. There will be days when one of us will have to push the other out of our stupor, hopefully with creativity and grace, and days we walk away from the work and gloriously blissful days where we come together to do all the things.

Be consistent in looking, seeing, acknowledging and honoring where we meet. Always start the work there. Be consistent in that. 

2023 mantra

From a silly "the first 4 words you see will be your 2023 mantra" letter box... but they actually meant something to me so I want to remember.

Power

Alignment

Purpose 

Miracles

A Small Moment

You know that feeling you get when you have an idea (or a picture in your head) that is not logical, makes you feel a little silly really. You set it aside but it comes back. Then it becomes something you should do. Sometimes something you must do. I had one. I carried through on the idea and I want to remember because it was silly, strange and important.

I spent some time grooming Hero, not too much, just knocking the worst of the dried mud and dust off. We took a walk together into the field where the longer grass is allowed to grow. We walked over the hill to the place where Matilda and Teo are buried.

Doing all this self-work, connection-work, relationship-work.... re-reading my blog and having my eyes opened to how much we did and how much I have forgotten... I realized I had things to say. To all of them.

And so Hero and I went to see our friends. I think that when I first started working with Hero, he was part of a team. Now, Odin went back to a previous owner... Teo and (of course) the incomparable Matilda have moved on. I love all the horses  at Bramblewood but a certain group that I felt attached to are gone. Except for Hero. So he came with me to talk to the pinnacles of the group. Matilda and Teo.

I sat in the long grass and let Hero graze behind me. As these things go, the moment I sat I forgot everything I planned to say but I fumbled through the heart of it. 

As I spoke to our friends, I could hear Hero munching behind me. I could feel him moving away from us through the pull of the lead rope as he went for the most delectable grass which was, as always seems to be the case, 2 inches further away than his lead rope would reach.

I turned my attention to Hero, to include him in the conversation and drop some thoughts into his heart. After a short bit, I noticed that he was inching closer. Ultimately, as I talked to him as an equal, his nose was close to my knee and he was on top of me. Always munching. 

I think and talk about Hero being distant, disconnected, aloof but here he is coming close and leaning into my words. I wonder if I underestimate him.

I don't know what happened there. I don't understand it. But that happened. Fact. I want to remember.