Who I Choose to be.

If, as a teenager, someone had said to me, "I think you might be a strong female role model someday", they would have received that withering look I mastered all too early. (A strong anything was outside my imagination quite frankly) Mentioning the idea of being a teacher would have gotten you a kick in the shin. Yet I find myself in the awkward position of being both.

This point was driven home to me a couple of months ago as I was telling an off-hand story about my computer breaking. The guy who fixed it put some software on my computer that he thought I had but didn't. Something for nothing.

At the end of the story, I turned around to see my young student staring at me. Sponge in hand. Small black pony behind her.

Something for nothing. Stealing. No big deal by society standards.. But had she actually been listening? I could hear countless possible conversations between her and her parents...

My awareness was heightened. These kids are my students. The learning does not necessarily begin and end with horses. I am a teacher. Responsibility... It was a longer than usual drive home that night as so many thoughts boiled in my brain. I began to see my job in a totally new and much larger and brighter light.

There is a group of kids now in the world for whom I will forever be their "first riding instructor." When, hopefully, they are introducing their children to horses for the first time, they might reminisce about "Miss Sarah" and Bramblewood Stables. My name will be alongside Max, Choo or Lady as their first riding experience. I have the ability to craft that person and shape that experience.

Of course, perception plays into things. You can say the exact same words to two different students and one will think you a monster while the other sees you as just silly. Besides that, I am always me, somewhat awkward and nutty, tripping over poles and losing track of words. Sometimes losing my students in the ring for a moment because they walked behind me and my big hat. There are choices I can make, however, about how I present myself to my students and their parents.

Strong (or positive) female role model. Am I just being arrogant thinking that I could hold that kind of title?

I don't believe so. I believe that anytime you  are doing something that the people (especially kids) around you want to do and be a part of you automatically become a strong positive or negative role model. We have plenty of negative role models to observe. Most people probably get there by not caring and not choosing who they want to be to the world.

I am trying to actively choose the other. I want to be a positive influence in the lives around me. What does it mean to be a strong female role model? Does it mean that you are invincible? Know everything and are always right? Able to lift gigantic piles of horse poop and shavings with one hand tied behind your back? Not by my reckoning. To me it means:

I care about you (my students) and the world around me.I think the world is big and beautiful! I am not afraid to express my enthusiasm about the world that I live in. Horses are a part of that world. They are fun, exciting and wonderful teachers in their own right. They are also dangerous. Be patient. If you try to get to a goal quickly you are more likely to be hurt. Then you will walk away and lose this incredible gift of a life with horses. I don't want that for you.

I'm far from perfect and it's ok that you know. I fail but I try to fix it. I have bad days and I will be straight up about it if I'm in the midst of one. Kids need to know you fail or are sad or unhappy but that you can overcome and achieve in spite of it..

I'm not too proud to learn about my craft from 6 year olds during their first lesson or from taking lessons with people who have been in the business much longer than me. You never stop learning.  

I am living proof that it is never too late to achieve a dream you were never brave enough to dream. 
 
I consider each of the students under my care as precious cargo, even on the days they drive me crazy. I want them to know they are part of a world that is so much bigger than they understand but that they are still important.

For some reason, I got the idea growing up that most of my answers would be wrong and my opinions were unimportant. (Nobody knows why - God know I have the most wonderful and encouraging set of parents on the face of the earth, but there it is.) I had a  tendency to be shy, sharing my world and true self with a few friends that I felt really comfortable around. (Some may not believe that because they will only remember the silly moments but they didn't know how terrified I was almost every time I spoke).

So now I listen. If for some unknown reason my student thinks it's important for me to know about their favorite toy, that scratch on their dog's back, how their brother or sister kept them up late or that their grandpa watches a lot of TV then it's important for me to try to tune in and acknowledge their voice. I am a teacher and possible role model. They need to know that what they think about and say is worth hearing.

Not that I always succeed. It's not that easy. But I try.

I know some parents probably see us chatting and worry about how they are paying for their son or daughter to learn how to ride. Well, they'll learn to ride. I promise. It may take longer than you want but they'll get there.

They just might pick up some other things along the way.