Pretense, Perception, Truth

I get so tired of my own deep, examining, over-thinking thoughts. I want to go through life with a light heart and laughter. Always. I really do. But here I am. Ugh.

My husband and I had a really wonderful vacation. I wanted to read horse books, watch horse videos and catch up on all the things but we spent two days being total tourists, 4 days with my family and walking on sand and one full day at the airport. It was really wonderful.

Coming home from an actual vacation is hard. Always. The reality of life is hard.

For me? I have barely thought of a horse for 7-10 days. I come home to face one and think: 'What the hell was I doing (or planning to do) with this?' 'They are so big!' 'HUH?!?'

The week was hard. The temperatures dropped, the wind picked up and I suspect the mares are on the edge of a big heat cycle. I was impatient, my hands got torn up and I was a little lost.

But I have to back up a bit. Between vacation and the work week came 9/11. Facebook reminded me that 9/11 was... well... 9/11 and the 3 year anniversary of Matilda's passing announcement. Sprinkle on top a couple pics of Penny in the rosy dawn and I was thoughtful. And deeply sad.

But I don't want to take people (or my future self reading this) through everything. It's sort of depressing so here's the upshot, the gist of it all...

I got to a really good place with Matilda and Hero (and Penny). Just me and some books and my imagination and some people I respected to go to with questions when they arose. How the horses did in a lesson program is a different question, having more to do with them than me.

I have described myself (to myself  and others have agreed) as hard, harsh, angry, unemotional.  My training methods are steeped in coercion  and dominance. But that is not all there is, not all there was. ( FYI, Lockie says unemotional means I exist in Fight/Flight/Freeze)

I have so much to learn. I can do better. I can be better. That does not mean I am wrong where I am today. That does not mean I was wrong in what I did years ago. 

I thought I needed to change myself to show up for the horses and my life. I do still need to be open to growth, absolutely. More than that, however, I must change my perception of who I am and have been. It's not correct. It's built on who I have tried to be and who I thought I was in other people's eyes. That is not always the truth.

I am starting to see myself now. I won't say all that I am because I still have pride in the facade. I've worked hard at it. I have a right to hold on to it but I am starting to see it for what it is... a facade for the other. The horses know. 

So I am slowly breaking the paralysis thought of "If I ask the horse to do, I will ruin the relationship because I am a burden and it is wrong and I am too hard and mean. I never care and I am a cold... so and so"

When I feel the paralysis coming near, I take a breath and ask myself, "If this were Matilda, what would I do?" Just do the work. Just ride. Ask. Play. Learn. 

And So: Atticus (subtitled: The C Word)

Atticus. My horse. MY Horse. So patient. So itchy. He's a giant and I love him. We've spent the last year staring, scratching, some riding (mostly not moving, see: I.Am.Atticus.)

Our successes and failures are ours alone. And that's a little scary.

As with Hero, this week has been a redefining of how we exist in the world. I think Sunday was the first day I really committed to full on riding him. He became close to responsive!

Follow up on Wednesday, he was moving so well. I was really excited until it hit me that I actually can't ride this horse... yet. He is powerful and was moving out. Did I mention huge? I am eternally left behind at the trot and just hanging onto the front of the saddle for dear life. I feel a little like a fish out of water flopping around on his poor back. 

Fortunately, Margo was there to shout out helpful suggestions like "turn at the waist!" (Like I can feel my waist?!?)  "Why are you hanging on to the saddle?" (Damn, she noticed. No more hiding my floundering about up here.) "If you feel like your bouncing, you must be bracing somewhere!" (Probably more like EVERYWHERE, I'm TRYING not to somersault over his back as he trots merrily out from under me!!) 

But the best was her suggestion to stand in the stirrups to better feel the rhythm. Sure! I said. Sounds good!

So My Dear Atticus picked up a trot. I stood in the stirrups. He turned toward the 2 mares in heat, standing beside the ring and cantered towards them. (WTAF?!?! More Canter this week??)

Fortunately, my current Atticus Riding Strategy of lean back and hang on for dear life served me well.

Margo lives for these moments, I think. She almost fell over laughing so hard. And in truth it was only a few steps of the most lovely canter. I think. It's hard to feel when your body and mind are simultaneously saying "AAAAAHHHHH!" 

(It's the same way she laughed when she found me trying to get on him bareback and bridleless. Jumping up and down next to him, clinging, sliding. I literally ended up scrambling up his side like I was climbing a ladder with no rungs. While he quietly muched on some grass. We were both in hysterics. He didn't seem to notice. Love that horse)

But we all pulled it together and talked it out. Margo shortened my stirrups, isolated the brace primarily happening in my shoulders and chest, and we came up with a few strategies to help my body figure out how to keep up with this new level of motion and power. 

This will be a challenge. Definitely. I'm excited to ride on and figure it out. I just know we are going to be brilliant!

As with all things in life, when you chart a new and exciting course, find yourself launching out and are all enthusiastic and stuff, something comes along to knock the wind out of your sails. So it is for me, I'm all ready to ride every day and get things going and I hit a snag. A small one but enough to deflate me a bit.

My knock came in a visit to the dermatologist this week. Turns out that long complicated string of nonsense words from a biopsy is not good. It's pre-cancer, he tells me, looking to turn left into the melanoma kind. And we need to get it out now. 

Not a big deal, getting it cut out. It will be taken care of next week and will be about a 2-3 inch cut with stitches. On the inside of my leg. Of course. No riding until the stitches come out, please. 7-10 days. Of course. Sigh.

I'm still trying to decide how I feel about this. It was a shock and it turns out the phrase "make sure the margins are clear" is a little bit of a panic button for me. I guess from my Mom's days of breast and colon cancer. 

The hardest part right now is to stay grounded and not let my mind spin and spiral towards the Galaxy of Melodrama, wherein I throw myself on a couch with the vapors screaming "I'm TO YOUNG TO DIE!!" 

No.

To be clear, I do not have cancer. I have a spot that never sees the sun that is thinking about it and so it will be removed and all will be well. 

Yes.

It's a good thing I have spent the last year or so finding out that horses don't need to be ridden in order to be a part of their world. Another week or two of hanging out with my friends will be a joy.

News from the Paddock and Beyond

He has not pinned his ears at me or bared his teeth. He has not chased me out of the paddock or tried to kick me. Our relationship did not fall apart immediately following that first ride. 

In fact, the day after he found me sitting on one of my favorite rocks, marched over gave me a good shove in the back and hung out with me. We established last summer that walking up and touching me with his nose was asking me to come with him so I matched steps for a bit and gave him some scratches. 

George thought I was ok that day too.

I am 3 rides in now and definitely finding fun. He is an easy ride for me and I get carried away quickly (metaphorically and literally). His slow trot and easy turns give me space to think and to feel.

Today, I was reminded that I have to stay focused and mind myself while learning to have fun again.

I planned a long ride full of slow movements and lots of transitions but he swept me away. He seemed willing to do all things so we trotted and stopped and walked and did turn on the forehand, turn on the haunches and trotted more. 

I wasn't really thinking about it, just enjoying. I tried a little leg yield at the trot and he decided a canter was the better option. I thought it would just be a few steps so I rode it out. But it didn't stop.  I grabbed the reins, then relaxed the reins, sat, realized I was bouncing on him, then stood a little... grabbed the reins again... Took me about a lap and a half to figure out what I was supposed to do with that thing. Finally, I remembered the open rein and large spiraling circle to slow him.

It wasn't pretty but we made it. 

When the same thing happened later, I was prepared and like to think the circle to slow was a little more elegant. 

We went through it all. And my with all that my planned lo g ride only lasted about 30 minuntes. I got off and my brain started processing all that happened. In a good way.

The first thought was thar all this riding happened in front of campers. As BW launches it's non-ridden camps, it was probably not so fair to cowboy it up at that moment. Awareness.

Hero is the same as he was when I first started with him. He is enough "with me" to make it work but mostly consumed with shade, the gate and other horses. I have to do things (small things but have to be done) in order to bring him back to the moment. Constantly. Presence.

He can be really fast. There is little thought to his more forward gaits. You can feel him the "escape attempt" underneath you. Fun to ride. For now. Ground and breathe.

I realize if I don't mind myself we will be right back to where we were when things went off the rails with him. I can have my fun but not so much that I let us stay where we are. Or worse. Go back.

And not so much that I forget where I am and what is happening at BW... The connection and groundwork is vital to our horses and our community. 

So we will work. And play. Ground, Aware, Present in the saddle as we learn to breathe together. As I figure out how to draw the horses mind more and more...

Yes, Hero is the same. I am not. 

I Did A ThingToday

Sometimes I wish I had never started this blasted journey. I miss the days of... not caring or seeing quite so much. Not worrying nearly so much. 

Or I should say the days I worried about my own head and hide more than the horse's "feelings".

It seems like all I do some days is worry. Worry about the horse's threshold, shutting down... Is that a calming signal? Did I create the tension he's releasing? Maybe I should ask less... maybe they need to move their feet more...

I've lost a lot of confidence and a little bit of myself in a year of listening to new ideas and stepping back to watch the horse and consider him more deeply as an individual being with his own thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Sometimes I wish I could go back. Some of the fun and joy has left the work. It's my own fault for allowing worry to consume me... and for taking myself so seriously.

It can be especially confusing being at 2 barns. One celebrates all things still. The other works in forward. I find myself stuck in between unsure of where to go, what to do, what is best.

There are some tense moments in the ring with Atticus. The me who will not be ignored and must dominate fights with the diaphanous me who can be trusted to care for the horses truth while being ever light and gentle battles it out with the me who must please and do what is asked of her. Layer on the books, ideas and techniques that are completely new and must be given consideration and possibly tried...

Yes, I get in quite a muddle. Atticus is perfection as he deals with each of my personalities. I am grateful.  And I don't want it to sound to heavy. We have a lot of fun and laughter in the midst of my crazy.

SO...

After yesterday's muddle time with and on Atticus, I left thinking. (Big shock I know)  I thought about how much fun I used to have riding Matilda and Hero; I never doubted that they were enjoying the time in and out of the saddle.

I thought about the relationships that have been built through moving together; the bonds formed through challenges met...

I thought about my husband. I try to ask him what he wants, give him a voice (occasionally) but then he tells me it's so much easier if I just tell him what we should do. He doesn't mind and often prefers it.

Is it possible that it's ok if I make the choice and don't ask "is this ok with you?" every moment? 

So I decided to ride. Grab a horse, brush him, tack him and ride him. Hero has said no to everything from leaving the pasture to saddles to bridles to mounting lately.

But maybe he is saying no to the constant questioning. 

I gave myself permission to not ask his permission for a couple hours. That doesn't mean I didn't notice things. I did and I shifted what I was doing based on what I saw. I just didn't stop. 

I noticed the releases, the relaxation while grooming. I haven't seen that in a while. I tacked. He took the bit without fuss. He stood while I mounted....

Then I realized the girth was way loose. I could deal with that.

Then I realized the stirrups were set for someone about 10 inches shorter than me. (I was too excited and way out of practice. I guess I wasn't "noticing" as much as I thought) Jockey riding... umm, no. Blevins slide from the saddle. Why not?

And so I rode. It's been a while. I can't remember the last time I rode like that here at BW. Working without worry. A strange feeling. I worked on long legs, fixed hands, softly moving seat and riding the back of the horse... I felt his back open and his right hind reach deeper in response to me unlocking my own sticky hip. 

We wove between poles, backed and did something that might work towards a leg yield down the road. He even gave me 2 strides of trot... 

And I noticed. I noticed the releases, the ears, where his attention went and how fast or slow I was able to get it back. I noticed how his body straightened and his walk tightened when I wasn't paying attention and let my body stiffen. 

I didn't leave behind all the new awareness today. Just the worry. 

After the ride, I gave him another good brushing and did some other things he hasn't let me do for awhile. 

I showed him a kitten and let him explore the table. He rang the bell on the wall 3 times and we were done.

Maybe this year I will start bringing it all together. Layering the things I've learned onto who I am and what I do, rather than trying to change to be a false me that fits an ideal I have... but just isn't me. Finding balance between the mes that are constantly doing battle so that we can have fun and get things done. 

So today I re-re-restarted Hero under saddle. We'll see how it goes. I'll let you know if he chases me out of the paddock tomorrow.