This is muddy because the thoughts are incomplete and possibly incoherent... just sayin.
Show up for your horse in the same way everyday.
Learn to be aware of and control your emotions and energy.
No expectations.
Be authentic.
Be calm/quiet for your horse, even in the storm.
Be present.
Be aware.
Authenticity, Parasympathetic, Sympathetic
Be your horse's safe place.
Energy, energy, energy.
Intuition....
Huh? How? What are we even talking about?
All of these things (and more) have become a regular part of our conversations regarding horses. To be truthful, they always have been but they are newly at the forefront of my thinking so deserve a moment here in my journal.
There has been a danger and a misreading here, for my overachieving, rule following, please don't get it wrong or you will have failed brain. I heard and read the words over and over and *tried* to do it *all* one day. Yes, my expectation is that it should take one day to achieve all... one day to have no expectations?
One of many problems with this approach is that these ideas all have meaning. Deep meaning that should be considered, pondered, known and understood (at least in part). They won't be taken or grasped in an instant of greed. Some of them are contradictory. Some are nonsensical. Some are a fad. They all are important.
Without consideration, the goal as i saw it was to try and show up as all those things for the horse, every day, in the same way. Create a genuine sense of calm, quiet, stillness in myself before going to the horse and trying to stay there no matter what. Or going back to it if I lost that sense of quiet. And if you can't get there, don't go there. Don't bring anything else to the horse.
The good news is that I have become much better at steadying myself and quieting my mind by continually trying to be some sort of zen master in flowing white robes.
The bad news? Even calm, quiet can be formulaic, robotic and unnatural. Trying to be the exact same thing every day is not real.
As I stayed quiet with the horse each day, whether the horse was up, down, sleepy, watchful or anxious, I started wondering why I thought the horse couldn't cope with my own energetic and emotional changes. Maybe I had missed something in my interpretation of all these phrases that were being thrown around all the time. I would never expect my horse to be the same every day. Why do I think I need to be?
What if I use treats one day and not the next? If we do work on the lunge, ride for an hour on Tuesday and Wednesday I want to sit near the horse and watch the clouds go by while I listen to him munch softly? Am I confusing him? Destroying any chance of relationship by being hopelessly muddled to him?
I had to sit and think about how to be consistent when everything in me shifts and changes from second to second and heartbeat to heartbeat. I'm *starting* to figure it out.
For me, being consistent will not be about always trying to create the emotions or the energy that I am putting into the world. (Though that is a useful tool) Consistency will begin to come through watchfulness and letting the horse be part of the conversation every time. The best way I can explain is by telling the stories of 2 different days with Atticus.
Day 1. I desperately wanted to be with him. Scratch him, walk with him, work with him. Every time I got close, he walked away. I could feel that he was content in his own world and did not want to be part of mine. I stood at a distance, walked the paddock and interacted with other horses who came to say hello. I was with him but honored his wish for me to not be all over him that day. Before I left, he walked up to me and we had some good scratching time. So much richer because it was abundantly clear that this was his choice and I didn't force myself on him.
Day 2. I couldn't. I wanted to want to be with him but my body felt heavy and fatigued. My mind was full of all the things that needed to be done and I was standing in the cold, wet, mud. Again. I stood at a distance, watching Atticus nap, waiting to feel energized and ready to go. Didn't happen. When he woke up, he gave a good shake, looked around, saw me and walked over. He was looking to be with me. I poked around a bit, scratching a tiny not muddy spot, with my mind flying around all the things. Half-assing our time. No. I told him I just couldn't that day, invited him to follow me to the gate, where I gave him treats and left. I honored my body by leaving. It broke my heart to do so but I knew I would do no good standing there as an empty shell or asking for things without focus. It might even do a little damage.
So, I look to myself, I look at the horse, be honest about where we are and know that that how we feel will be a part of our interactions and will change how we interact on any given day. Lean into the changes, the beautiful differences that a new day or moment can bring. There will be days when one of us will have to push the other out of our stupor, hopefully with creativity and grace, and days we walk away from the work and gloriously blissful days where we come together to do all the things.
Be consistent in looking, seeing, acknowledging and honoring where we meet. Always start the work there. Be consistent in that.
