Consistent in my Lack of Consistency

This is muddy because the thoughts are incomplete and possibly incoherent... just sayin.

Be consistent.

Show up for your horse in the same way everyday.

Learn to be aware of and control your emotions and energy.

No expectations.

Be authentic.

Be calm/quiet for your horse, even in the storm.

Be present.

Be aware.

Authenticity, Parasympathetic, Sympathetic

Be your horse's safe place.

Energy, energy, energy.

Intuition....

Huh? How? What are we even talking about?

All of these things (and more) have become a regular part of our conversations regarding horses. To be truthful, they always have been but they are newly at the forefront of my thinking so deserve a moment here in my journal.

There has been a danger and a misreading here, for my overachieving, rule following, please don't get it wrong or you will have failed brain. I heard and read the words over and over and *tried* to do it *all* one day. Yes, my expectation is that it should take one day to achieve all... one day to have no expectations? 

One of many problems with this approach is that these ideas all have meaning. Deep meaning that should be considered, pondered, known and understood (at least in part). They won't be taken or grasped in an instant of greed. Some of them are contradictory. Some are nonsensical. Some are a fad. They all are important.

Without consideration, the goal as i saw it was to try and show up as all those things for the horse, every day, in the same way. Create a genuine sense of calm, quiet, stillness in myself before going to the horse and trying to stay there no matter what. Or going back to it if I lost that sense of quiet. And if you can't get there, don't go there. Don't bring anything else to the horse.

The good news is that I have become much better at steadying myself and quieting my mind by continually trying to be some sort of zen master in flowing white robes.

The bad news? Even calm, quiet can be formulaic, robotic and unnatural. Trying to be the exact same thing every day is not real.

As I stayed quiet with the horse each day, whether the horse was up, down, sleepy, watchful or anxious, I started wondering why I thought the horse couldn't  cope with my own energetic and emotional changes. Maybe I had missed something in my interpretation of all these phrases that were being thrown around all the time. I would never expect my horse to be the same every day. Why do I think I need to be? 

What if I use treats one day and not the next? If we do work on the lunge, ride for an hour on Tuesday and Wednesday I want to sit near the horse and watch the clouds go by while I listen to him munch softly? Am I confusing him? Destroying any chance of relationship by being hopelessly muddled to him? 

I had to sit and think about how to be consistent when everything in me shifts and changes from second to second and heartbeat to heartbeat. I'm *starting* to figure it out. 

For me, being consistent will not be about always trying to create the emotions or the energy that I am putting into the world. (Though that is a useful tool) Consistency will begin to come through watchfulness and letting the horse be part of the conversation every time. The best way I can explain is by telling the stories of 2 different days with Atticus.

Day 1. I desperately wanted to be with him. Scratch him, walk with him, work with him. Every time I got close, he walked away. I could feel that he was content in his own world and did not want to be part of mine. I stood at a distance, walked the paddock and interacted with other horses who came to say hello. I was with him but honored his wish for me to not be all over him that day. Before I left, he walked up to me and we had some good scratching time. So much richer because it was abundantly clear that this was his choice and I didn't force myself on him.

Day 2. I couldn't. I wanted to want to be with him but my body felt heavy and fatigued. My mind was full of all the things that needed to be done and I was standing in the cold, wet, mud. Again. I stood at a distance, watching Atticus nap, waiting to feel energized and ready to go. Didn't happen. When he woke up, he gave a good shake, looked around, saw me and walked over. He was looking to be with me. I poked around a bit, scratching a tiny not muddy spot, with my mind flying around all the things. Half-assing our time. No. I told him I just couldn't that day, invited him to follow me to the gate, where I gave him treats and left. I honored my body by leaving. It broke my heart to do so but I knew I would do no good standing there as an empty shell or asking for things without focus. It might even do a little damage.

So, I look to myself, I look at the horse, be honest about where we are and know that that how we feel will be a part of our interactions and will change how we interact on any given day. Lean into the changes, the beautiful differences that a new day or moment can bring. There will be days when one of us will have to push the other out of our stupor, hopefully with creativity and grace, and days we walk away from the work and gloriously blissful days where we come together to do all the things.

Be consistent in looking, seeing, acknowledging and honoring where we meet. Always start the work there. Be consistent in that. 

2023 mantra

From a silly "the first 4 words you see will be your 2023 mantra" letter box... but they actually meant something to me so I want to remember.

Power

Alignment

Purpose 

Miracles

A Small Moment

You know that feeling you get when you have an idea (or a picture in your head) that is not logical, makes you feel a little silly really. You set it aside but it comes back. Then it becomes something you should do. Sometimes something you must do. I had one. I carried through on the idea and I want to remember because it was silly, strange and important.

I spent some time grooming Hero, not too much, just knocking the worst of the dried mud and dust off. We took a walk together into the field where the longer grass is allowed to grow. We walked over the hill to the place where Matilda and Teo are buried.

Doing all this self-work, connection-work, relationship-work.... re-reading my blog and having my eyes opened to how much we did and how much I have forgotten... I realized I had things to say. To all of them.

And so Hero and I went to see our friends. I think that when I first started working with Hero, he was part of a team. Now, Odin went back to a previous owner... Teo and (of course) the incomparable Matilda have moved on. I love all the horses  at Bramblewood but a certain group that I felt attached to are gone. Except for Hero. So he came with me to talk to the pinnacles of the group. Matilda and Teo.

I sat in the long grass and let Hero graze behind me. As these things go, the moment I sat I forgot everything I planned to say but I fumbled through the heart of it. 

As I spoke to our friends, I could hear Hero munching behind me. I could feel him moving away from us through the pull of the lead rope as he went for the most delectable grass which was, as always seems to be the case, 2 inches further away than his lead rope would reach.

I turned my attention to Hero, to include him in the conversation and drop some thoughts into his heart. After a short bit, I noticed that he was inching closer. Ultimately, as I talked to him as an equal, his nose was close to my knee and he was on top of me. Always munching. 

I think and talk about Hero being distant, disconnected, aloof but here he is coming close and leaning into my words. I wonder if I underestimate him.

I don't know what happened there. I don't understand it. But that happened. Fact. I want to remember.

I.Am.Atticus.

This is Atticus.

He belongs to me. And I belong to him.

So, here's what happened...

I've been riding at a barn, taking lessons, near my home. Atticus was at that barn, had been for 12 years. My trainer, the owner, decided it was time for Atticus and her to part ways. I had been asking to sit on him, begging really. I mean, he is a big black draft, standing in the field with his buds. Clearly, he was calling me. 

One fateful day, my lesson was canceled and I went out into the paddock and spent some time.... BRUSHING HIM! It was amazing. He was so quiet and showed me his itchy spots. I loved it. Loved being with him.

I told my husband about it that night. I guess I gushed.

The next day, he messaged me and said that we could have him, if Margo would sell him to me and I could take care of the upkeep. (I think he might have been a little worried about my ongoing grief over losing Penny).

The next day, Margo let me play with him. What a solid mind. Non-plussed (sound familiar?). He was solid enough that she was ok with me sitting on him.

And the deal was made. 

It has been 3 months and I am still a little disbelieving. We spend a lot of time together standing in the paddock and taking each other in. He doesn't always understand me and I frequently mis-read him. When I do, he turns his back to me or walks away. My bad.

He has wonderful manners (to me) but doesn't like being ridden (by me at least). He just stands and looks at my foot. I can push and get some movement out of him but it creates bad feelings on both sides. I know it's possible though so it's just figuring out how to help us both feel good about that part of our time together.

It's kind of strange that with Bella, Matilda and Hero the struggle came down to being out of control as we flew around the arena full tilt. With Atticus, we are at a stand still. Typical rides sort of feel like this:

Walk?

No...

.... How about now??

Ummmmm... yeah, still no.

One step?

What's that foot doing? I shall bite your toes..

NO! JUST WALK ONE FREAKING STEP!

Well, maybe... Nah.

WalkWalkWalk.

Sigh. One-step. Fine.

YAY!!! Now we shall stand in the sun while I scratch your whithers you fantastic animal!

What's that foot doing? I shall bite your toes..

Like I said, if I really push he goes. And we've done some nice movement together. But it's rough and can become a battle. I'm trying to avoid that but struggle with the balance between connection, relationship, boundaries and goals. It's tough. But fun.

I have to remind myself it has only been a few months and we don't have anyplace we need to be.

I have so much to say but this is getting long already. I'm ready to start logging this journey though so buckle in.

One last note for my journal, he has let me get on him bare back a couple of times now. This is saying something as it is a process. He's so big, I have to line him up right next to the fence. He has to be willing to stand there while I climb up, sit on the fence, carefully pat his back, put a leg over and shift weight from fence to back. The first time I tried, I got to 'sit on fence' when he moved his rear away and put his head on my lap. I can't think of a kinder way to say "Nope". Thank you sir.

The last time I was on him (bare back)  we moved around the ring, walking a few steps and grazing. Just him and me on a sunny day. Halter and lead rope, one rein steering. I kept some promises and he let me sit there. Only tried to bite my foot twice. So maybe a little trust and confidence was built between us that day. I'm good with that.

Finding me.

I thought I was done with this blog. Someone suggested I journal and this was where my mind went. I don't think anyone is paying attention but I'm baaa-aaaack! I'll really be logging in for myself but anyone is welcome to join.

It's been over 2 years since Matilda decided she had finished her work. So much has happened. Both in the world and to me personally. Our dear Teo moved on about a year ago and my precious, precious Penny-dog felt I was ready to move forward without her about 6 months ago. They have become a three-legged stool in my mind and I am a bit lost without them. I might write about that later, just because I don't want to forget what they taught me (or tried to teach me... not a quick study).

The last 2 years have been too much about Covid.q😝 but I also found Warwick Schiller and his podcast about 6 months ago (look back for the connection). Through that I discovered a whole world of wonderful horsepeople who focus on connection and relationship. Truly amazing and mind-blowing things happening in the world. 

Kim did a life coach certification. I was one of her test subjects. A little rudderless at the time. My lesson program was in good shape. Newly married and happy. All was good but movement is important to me. I fear stagnation. Through her exercises, I found that horses and growth in my horsemanship were incredibly important to me... so I found a barn near home. One where I could take lessons from a Centered Riding instructor with a deep Parelli base.

Enter Margo. My Barn 2. My Friend. And her cast of characters. I'll save those details for later too.

ANYWAY...

I started reading my own blog from the beginning. Wow. I forgot so much. (Including how funny I am). Here's what's really interesting....

I have been working so hard to become the horse person (and person in general) that I really want to be. Meditation, Shamans, Trauma work, parasympathetic, sympathetic, awareness, authentic, etc, are all part of my daily life, reading, conversation and thought process these days.

But reading this (my own) blog, I am doing the SAME THING NOW that I was doing then with Matilda. Thinking about the same stuff. HUH???

So. The question came to mind: what if I am not trying to change but always trying to come back to my true self. And I am there. So not even a matter of "getting back to" but simply changing my perception of myself.. to embrace every part of me. 

I have a habit of seeing the hard and sharp edges but there is softness too. I wrote it. I lived it. I feel it. I just don't see it until I read my own words 10 years later.

So. I'm launching myself back down the rabbit hole and I think I want to chronicle the adventure. 

All of this to say, I bought a horse.