Pretense, Perception, Truth

I get so tired of my own deep, examining, over-thinking thoughts. I want to go through life with a light heart and laughter. Always. I really do. But here I am. Ugh.

My husband and I had a really wonderful vacation. I wanted to read horse books, watch horse videos and catch up on all the things but we spent two days being total tourists, 4 days with my family and walking on sand and one full day at the airport. It was really wonderful.

Coming home from an actual vacation is hard. Always. The reality of life is hard.

For me? I have barely thought of a horse for 7-10 days. I come home to face one and think: 'What the hell was I doing (or planning to do) with this?' 'They are so big!' 'HUH?!?'

The week was hard. The temperatures dropped, the wind picked up and I suspect the mares are on the edge of a big heat cycle. I was impatient, my hands got torn up and I was a little lost.

But I have to back up a bit. Between vacation and the work week came 9/11. Facebook reminded me that 9/11 was... well... 9/11 and the 3 year anniversary of Matilda's passing announcement. Sprinkle on top a couple pics of Penny in the rosy dawn and I was thoughtful. And deeply sad.

But I don't want to take people (or my future self reading this) through everything. It's sort of depressing so here's the upshot, the gist of it all...

I got to a really good place with Matilda and Hero (and Penny). Just me and some books and my imagination and some people I respected to go to with questions when they arose. How the horses did in a lesson program is a different question, having more to do with them than me.

I have described myself (to myself  and others have agreed) as hard, harsh, angry, unemotional.  My training methods are steeped in coercion  and dominance. But that is not all there is, not all there was. ( FYI, Lockie says unemotional means I exist in Fight/Flight/Freeze)

I have so much to learn. I can do better. I can be better. That does not mean I am wrong where I am today. That does not mean I was wrong in what I did years ago. 

I thought I needed to change myself to show up for the horses and my life. I do still need to be open to growth, absolutely. More than that, however, I must change my perception of who I am and have been. It's not correct. It's built on who I have tried to be and who I thought I was in other people's eyes. That is not always the truth.

I am starting to see myself now. I won't say all that I am because I still have pride in the facade. I've worked hard at it. I have a right to hold on to it but I am starting to see it for what it is... a facade for the other. The horses know. 

So I am slowly breaking the paralysis thought of "If I ask the horse to do, I will ruin the relationship because I am a burden and it is wrong and I am too hard and mean. I never care and I am a cold... so and so"

When I feel the paralysis coming near, I take a breath and ask myself, "If this were Matilda, what would I do?" Just do the work. Just ride. Ask. Play. Learn.