Blissful Me

Today, I came to Atticus as me. Completely me. I didn't have an overarching goal but knew what I was looking for in each ask. A feel of movement that I hunted out. Meeting Atticus as myself meant I was kind of big and bold, tight, soft.. my legs too active and wiggly or drapy and long, my shoulders a little braced at times my knuckles occasionally white around the reins, some well-timed releases. There were kicks and smacks, tail swishes, high and low heads... everything and anything was on the table to find the forward, back, or step under that I was seeking out. 

I didnt worry too much about his feelings, just focused on the movement for today. It's been a while since I've really let myself inhabit that space. It was ugly at times. I'm sure nobody would have called it good riding.

But by the end, he had moved off my seat a couple times. Stopped on a breath. And given me the softest trot I think I've felt from him. One that I could post with soft leg and hands, feeling actual rhythm and breath between us. 

I got off and untacked him, as is my habit, letting him eat and wander in the ring. I sat on the fence watching him graze. He grazed over to me and I scratched his neck and withers (very itchy boy today... VERY itchy). He grazed a little closer to the fence and I put my hand on his back, then threw a leg on, slid over and sat there while he ate freely. 

My dream. That he lines up and let's me on his back in freedom. Today is only the second time that he has done it. The first time surprised him. His head went straight up and he froze, not knowing what to do. This time he just kept eating and I got to be a part of him doing his thing. Just being there in the most fully together way (in my opinion, for now).

He did it on a day that I did not coddle. I held him to a standard of movement and demanded and was bossy and hard. A day I was myself. (Not to say I don't have to work at being better, of course I do.)

All of that and he was ok. Ok to be with me. All of me. I'm ok. Huh.