Our successes and failures are ours alone. And that's a little scary.
As with Hero, this week has been a redefining of how we exist in the world. I think Sunday was the first day I really committed to full on riding him. He became close to responsive!
Follow up on Wednesday, he was moving so well. I was really excited until it hit me that I actually can't ride this horse... yet. He is powerful and was moving out. Did I mention huge? I am eternally left behind at the trot and just hanging onto the front of the saddle for dear life. I feel a little like a fish out of water flopping around on his poor back.
Fortunately, Margo was there to shout out helpful suggestions like "turn at the waist!" (Like I can feel my waist?!?) "Why are you hanging on to the saddle?" (Damn, she noticed. No more hiding my floundering about up here.) "If you feel like your bouncing, you must be bracing somewhere!" (Probably more like EVERYWHERE, I'm TRYING not to somersault over his back as he trots merrily out from under me!!)
But the best was her suggestion to stand in the stirrups to better feel the rhythm. Sure! I said. Sounds good!
So My Dear Atticus picked up a trot. I stood in the stirrups. He turned toward the 2 mares in heat, standing beside the ring and cantered towards them. (WTAF?!?! More Canter this week??)
Fortunately, my current Atticus Riding Strategy of lean back and hang on for dear life served me well.
Margo lives for these moments, I think. She almost fell over laughing so hard. And in truth it was only a few steps of the most lovely canter. I think. It's hard to feel when your body and mind are simultaneously saying "AAAAAHHHHH!"
(It's the same way she laughed when she found me trying to get on him bareback and bridleless. Jumping up and down next to him, clinging, sliding. I literally ended up scrambling up his side like I was climbing a ladder with no rungs. While he quietly muched on some grass. We were both in hysterics. He didn't seem to notice. Love that horse)
But we all pulled it together and talked it out. Margo shortened my stirrups, isolated the brace primarily happening in my shoulders and chest, and we came up with a few strategies to help my body figure out how to keep up with this new level of motion and power.
This will be a challenge. Definitely. I'm excited to ride on and figure it out. I just know we are going to be brilliant!
As with all things in life, when you chart a new and exciting course, find yourself launching out and are all enthusiastic and stuff, something comes along to knock the wind out of your sails. So it is for me, I'm all ready to ride every day and get things going and I hit a snag. A small one but enough to deflate me a bit.
My knock came in a visit to the dermatologist this week. Turns out that long complicated string of nonsense words from a biopsy is not good. It's pre-cancer, he tells me, looking to turn left into the melanoma kind. And we need to get it out now.
Not a big deal, getting it cut out. It will be taken care of next week and will be about a 2-3 inch cut with stitches. On the inside of my leg. Of course. No riding until the stitches come out, please. 7-10 days. Of course. Sigh.
I'm still trying to decide how I feel about this. It was a shock and it turns out the phrase "make sure the margins are clear" is a little bit of a panic button for me. I guess from my Mom's days of breast and colon cancer.
The hardest part right now is to stay grounded and not let my mind spin and spiral towards the Galaxy of Melodrama, wherein I throw myself on a couch with the vapors screaming "I'm TO YOUNG TO DIE!!"
No.
To be clear, I do not have cancer. I have a spot that never sees the sun that is thinking about it and so it will be removed and all will be well.
Yes.
It's a good thing I have spent the last year or so finding out that horses don't need to be ridden in order to be a part of their world. Another week or two of hanging out with my friends will be a joy.
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