I.Am.Atticus.

This is Atticus.

He belongs to me. And I belong to him.

So, here's what happened...

I've been riding at a barn, taking lessons, near my home. Atticus was at that barn, had been for 12 years. My trainer, the owner, decided it was time for Atticus and her to part ways. I had been asking to sit on him, begging really. I mean, he is a big black draft, standing in the field with his buds. Clearly, he was calling me. 

One fateful day, my lesson was canceled and I went out into the paddock and spent some time.... BRUSHING HIM! It was amazing. He was so quiet and showed me his itchy spots. I loved it. Loved being with him.

I told my husband about it that night. I guess I gushed.

The next day, he messaged me and said that we could have him, if Margo would sell him to me and I could take care of the upkeep. (I think he might have been a little worried about my ongoing grief over losing Penny).

The next day, Margo let me play with him. What a solid mind. Non-plussed (sound familiar?). He was solid enough that she was ok with me sitting on him.

And the deal was made. 

It has been 3 months and I am still a little disbelieving. We spend a lot of time together standing in the paddock and taking each other in. He doesn't always understand me and I frequently mis-read him. When I do, he turns his back to me or walks away. My bad.

He has wonderful manners (to me) but doesn't like being ridden (by me at least). He just stands and looks at my foot. I can push and get some movement out of him but it creates bad feelings on both sides. I know it's possible though so it's just figuring out how to help us both feel good about that part of our time together.

It's kind of strange that with Bella, Matilda and Hero the struggle came down to being out of control as we flew around the arena full tilt. With Atticus, we are at a stand still. Typical rides sort of feel like this:

Walk?

No...

.... How about now??

Ummmmm... yeah, still no.

One step?

What's that foot doing? I shall bite your toes..

NO! JUST WALK ONE FREAKING STEP!

Well, maybe... Nah.

WalkWalkWalk.

Sigh. One-step. Fine.

YAY!!! Now we shall stand in the sun while I scratch your whithers you fantastic animal!

What's that foot doing? I shall bite your toes..

Like I said, if I really push he goes. And we've done some nice movement together. But it's rough and can become a battle. I'm trying to avoid that but struggle with the balance between connection, relationship, boundaries and goals. It's tough. But fun.

I have to remind myself it has only been a few months and we don't have anyplace we need to be.

I have so much to say but this is getting long already. I'm ready to start logging this journey though so buckle in.

One last note for my journal, he has let me get on him bare back a couple of times now. This is saying something as it is a process. He's so big, I have to line him up right next to the fence. He has to be willing to stand there while I climb up, sit on the fence, carefully pat his back, put a leg over and shift weight from fence to back. The first time I tried, I got to 'sit on fence' when he moved his rear away and put his head on my lap. I can't think of a kinder way to say "Nope". Thank you sir.

The last time I was on him (bare back)  we moved around the ring, walking a few steps and grazing. Just him and me on a sunny day. Halter and lead rope, one rein steering. I kept some promises and he let me sit there. Only tried to bite my foot twice. So maybe a little trust and confidence was built between us that day. I'm good with that.

Finding me.

I thought I was done with this blog. Someone suggested I journal and this was where my mind went. I don't think anyone is paying attention but I'm baaa-aaaack! I'll really be logging in for myself but anyone is welcome to join.

It's been over 2 years since Matilda decided she had finished her work. So much has happened. Both in the world and to me personally. Our dear Teo moved on about a year ago and my precious, precious Penny-dog felt I was ready to move forward without her about 6 months ago. They have become a three-legged stool in my mind and I am a bit lost without them. I might write about that later, just because I don't want to forget what they taught me (or tried to teach me... not a quick study).

The last 2 years have been too much about Covid.q😝 but I also found Warwick Schiller and his podcast about 6 months ago (look back for the connection). Through that I discovered a whole world of wonderful horsepeople who focus on connection and relationship. Truly amazing and mind-blowing things happening in the world. 

Kim did a life coach certification. I was one of her test subjects. A little rudderless at the time. My lesson program was in good shape. Newly married and happy. All was good but movement is important to me. I fear stagnation. Through her exercises, I found that horses and growth in my horsemanship were incredibly important to me... so I found a barn near home. One where I could take lessons from a Centered Riding instructor with a deep Parelli base.

Enter Margo. My Barn 2. My Friend. And her cast of characters. I'll save those details for later too.

ANYWAY...

I started reading my own blog from the beginning. Wow. I forgot so much. (Including how funny I am). Here's what's really interesting....

I have been working so hard to become the horse person (and person in general) that I really want to be. Meditation, Shamans, Trauma work, parasympathetic, sympathetic, awareness, authentic, etc, are all part of my daily life, reading, conversation and thought process these days.

But reading this (my own) blog, I am doing the SAME THING NOW that I was doing then with Matilda. Thinking about the same stuff. HUH???

So. The question came to mind: what if I am not trying to change but always trying to come back to my true self. And I am there. So not even a matter of "getting back to" but simply changing my perception of myself.. to embrace every part of me. 

I have a habit of seeing the hard and sharp edges but there is softness too. I wrote it. I lived it. I feel it. I just don't see it until I read my own words 10 years later.

So. I'm launching myself back down the rabbit hole and I think I want to chronicle the adventure. 

All of this to say, I bought a horse.

Remember when

Grief is a strange thing. Deeply personal but meant to be shared. I have shared with students and those that loved her this passed week. We have shared stories and laughter and some tears over the loss of Matilda.

But now I find myself here. I wanted to make a list. A list of moments shared and lessons learned... just so I don't forget. Quotes are Miss Kim paraphrases. And so:

Trails. With students and alone. Alone we cantered (don't do that alone) practicing simple changes along the winding trail.

After she was untacked and groomed, we used to stop at my truck and share a pear.

That lesson. The one that wasn't feeling right so Kim and I sat in the sand while you snurfled us and slept.

Standing with her in her stall, hoping she wouldn't lose patience as I worked half a bottle of cowboy magic into her tail... but I always thought she moved better when it had that glossy flick.

BIRTHDAY RIDE!!!!

Riding around, using a pitchfork handle as my practice garrocha pole. Trotting the weaving poles and doing target practice.

Lateral.Work. endless...

Chasing cats.

"If I have to call the fire department to get that horse out of the manure pile!!!" 

Followed quickly by

"No, YOU have to be the electric fence"

Watching your head pop out of the window when I gave the signal, telling you I was there to give you a treat.

"Don't just rush to get through the hard stuff. It's a training opportunity."

Bareback... never thought that would be possible. Or comfortable.

When things fall apart and are in chaos, take a breath, relax your joints and go with the motion. Calm will find you. 

Crying, laughing, singing, telling you my secrets.

That first day I worked up the courage to call Walter Bennett Farris, we were on the trail with no signal. When I made the call to my soulmate, my left hand held my phone and your lead rope was in my right. You were there for that too.

Letting go in my heart of what was never mine. You belonged to Bramblewood. First and always. People loved you. People saw you without meeting you and it was amazing. I couldn't be jealous of time you had with others so it became a joy

.

See above.

And again.

I wish you well on your next adventure, my girl. Thank you for changing me. Thank you for giving me your strength, for being stable, solid and grounded. For teaching me so dang much. I think we could have done anything, if only the breeze hadn't felt so good, the grass looked so green and the sky blue. 

I will miss my friend.

Bits and pieces

Four blog posts started, never finished. I wonder how they were supposed to end?!?

And So It Goes (AKA Circles are Hard) 2013

Every week, I build a "honey-do" list for my weekends. A list of things I should try to accomplish over a day and a half so that projects get done and the house runs smoothly while I work at the barn from Tuesday through Saturday. The list can contain a variety of things such as pay bills, paint deck furniture or return emails. No matter what, however, the list always starts with the same 5 things:

• Laundry
• Grocery
• Dust
• Counters
• Toilets

Glamorous, I know. 

I love lists. I love crossing things off lists. It's an indication of progress. I hate those 5 things that crop up every week. Even when I cross them off a weekend list I know they will be back at the top next weekend. Why do I do it then? Some weeks.... most weeks, not everything is done but if I watch 6 episodes of Midsomer Murder instead of dusting ceiling fans I can't pretend that I forgot. I don't like to give myself an opportunity for excuses.

The problem is that once you cross something off a list it should be complete. Finished. Move on. It can be frustrating and annoying to go back and do the same thing over and over again. 

Working with horses. Sigh.

I tend to write blog posts about working with Matilda when something spectacularly wonderful happens. I gloss over all the struggles in a paragraph or two then spend 5 paragraphs on a story that took 5 minutes to experience.

I found those canter steps in my last blog post about Matilda. Then they were gone. I've looked. She's hiding them from me. I have found lots of head tosses, kicks, maybe even some bucks. I have thrown my crop into the center of the ring out of frustration. I haven't screamed... but only because I didn't want to scare anybody.

When things fall apart, there's only one thing to do: work on a circle.

The Habit of Fear (Nov 2013)

Habit:  (hăb'ĭt) n.

1. 1. A recurrent, often unconscious pattern of behavior that is acquired through frequent repetition.
   2. An established disposition of the mind or character.
2. Customary manner or practice: a person of ascetic habits.
3. An addiction, especially to a narcotic drug.
4. Physical constitution.
5. Characteristic appearance, form, or manner of growth, especially of a plant or crystal
6. A distinctive dress or costume, especially of a religious order.
7. A riding habit.

Fear: n.

1. A  feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger
2. A state or condition marked by this feeling:living in fear.
3. A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
4. Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
5. A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.

Fear is an interesting thing. I have a plethora of fears that I deal with on a daily basis. They range from the totally logical, self-preservation type fears to fears that I know are a little silly. I came across one that caught me off guard about a month back. I am still not exactly sure what I was afraid of but fear it was. Deep fear.

What triggered it? Anticipating a canter departure.

Riding at the Jump (Apr 2014)

When I talk to my students about jumping, I tell them that the most important part for them is the ride to the jump, away from the jump or between jumps. It is in this moment that you set your team up for success by creating straightness, good impulsion and balance. At the jump, the rider's job is to keep the horse moving forward and get out of the way so that the horse can do what is necessary to carry himself and his rider over the obstacle. The rider must trust the work they've done and let go for that crucial moment. It's a very uncomfortable moment, especially the first 500-1000 times you try it.

This is where I have found myself with Matilda over the past week. We have slowly been building successful canter transitions over the last months but then, a week ago, we participated in a training clinic held at our barn. We have a cowboy that is coming in to help those of us that are working on training projects, attempting to grow in this art of bringing along a horse.

Watching me ask for a canter from my girl, he then rode her himself. The upshot was that I was doing too much holding, too much contact work, too fast. The problems were coming because I my holding gives her something alternately holds her back or gives her something to pull against. I need to work on a loose rein in the trot and the canter....

We trot on a loose rein but the idea of cantering without constant contact? That only touches on a couple dozen fear triggers. I mean what if she bolts and I can't gather up the reins fast enough? What if she stumbles and I can't support her? What if I fall backwards because I balance myself with my hands and don't realize it? What if she bolts and I can't stay on this time? Scary stuff for me.

I refused at first. Even after watching Our Cowboy ride a beautifully, smooth canter with no contact at all, I just didn't know if I could do it.

I was coming to the jump but had no confidence in.... anything.

Fortunately, he gave me some time to think about it.

Matilda and I have worked for a year at the walk and the trot. We have done transitions and circles until I thought I would scream. We have worked on engaging her hind, yielding to pressure, listening to each other, softening her sides. I have worked on myself: deepening my heels, loose rein trot and jumping position so that I knew I wasn't balancing with my hands, developing a softer following seat... Maybe it was time, that night, to be pushed out of my comfort zone. Time to trust the work we have done and let go.

Broken, Not Dead (Jul 2015)

I started writing a post in April 2014 that I never finished. I was going somewhere with it and need to finish it.... someday. Someday soon, I hope.

I discovered the post today, during a reflective moment after working all day at Bramblewood's spring schooling show. I had to think about why I didn't finish that post.... since this blog has become something of a personal journal, it would be nice to say why I didn't finish that April 2014  blog post. Here goes:

By the end of May 2014: My family had an offer on our house after 3 years on the market. We found a new house and moved so that I would be closer to the barn. My commute went from >45 min to <15 min one-way 4-6 days each week.

End of June: Our brand new half acre was fenced for our 2 dogs. Summer Camps had started at the barn and our 'regular' teaching schedule was in flux...

July 2014: 《deep breath》I came off one of the horses mentioned in my March 2014 post. Broke 3 ribs + 1 concussion. First broken bones IN MY LIFE. Out of (teaching) work 3 days. Out of riding (forced) 6 weeks.

September 2014:  Released to ride again! I felt like I had to start a lot of things over for me and Matilda.

Fall, 2014: Took on Horse U, a program that Kim and I had been working on for over a year. To allow our farm to grow we had to divide and conquer. I love the theoretical and she loves to rope. (Given the audience, I'm pretty sure she wins... if there is such a thing as winning.)

Winter 2014-15: Holidays are tough when your closest family is 8+ hour away and there are no paid holidays. Please believe me, I am not complaining, just explaining possible behavior oddities....

We were also prepping to teach a mid-term college class that goes through the worst part of winter (Jan/Feb-Term).

We had barely started the college class when I had my car accident.

JANUARY 13, 2015 will be a date to remember and record. I had a choice. Matilda was "up" and it was cold and cloudy on the first day of our week. I decided to go home and eat lunch, rather than ride that "hot" mare.

A freak car accident on my way home to lunch shattered my right knee cap into 7 pieces.

1/15/15 (date looks cool, right?!?) My very first serious surgery. I had 2 pins and some wire put in to hold my knee together. Tommy Leong and the people at Upstate Orthopedic did some good work.

There were 4 weeks that I was on my backside and/or on crutches. No one really needs to know what I went through (mentally) during that time... it was tough

Everyone did their very best to hold me together but in February I decided we needed a puppy. Meet Jase....

I also started physical therapy with Advanced Therapy in Spartanburg.

In March, I was released to ride again.

They finally made it, though each in part, they sort of make a whole. Before 2015 ended, I was on my way to divorce and remarriage with the barn as my constant. 2015 was a big year.

A Cast of Characters

Last week was a pretty special week. The beautiful weather we had here in South Carolina was positively exhilarating. Ideas were flying between Kim and myself as the gears of the brain started slowly grinding away. The end of winter is just visible and it was a good time to just have some fun!

For me, that means being at the barn and riding! I know my last blog post indicated that my focus might be shifting away from riding into a more studious mind set but sometimes the days open up and I just can't be still. I rode every day. Most days found me working with multiple horses. In between rides I was raking, dusting, sweeping and chatting with Kim. (There was some teaching going on too but let's not worry about that).

I'd like to introduce you to the cast of characters that overwhelmed my week:

I was able to start working with the gorgeous Canadian named Odin this week, joining into some training work that has already been going on with him. (Mentioned in my last blog post) I'm starting out, of course, with groundwork. I have spent my time with Odin leading, lunging and grooming... really just trying to get to know him. Other than being super smart, he is not a lot like Matilda. There is very little stillness in him and he spent a lot of time trying to bite me. I am not using the clicker with this one, though it is not out of the question. Right now I am just trying to get a handle on the personality and not mess him up too much. :/ 

It's exciting to start work with a different horse. I've already reminded myself that this is a new journey and, as with Matilda, I will make mistakes in how I read and handle him. All I can do is my best and take it one step at a time.  So much is possible but I have to work small and smart, looking to achieve small goals. 

I believe Odin will be a challenge to my creativity. He seems to get easily bored and I have to find ways to make myself and our work interesting in order to keep his attention. Not so easy for a natural born wall flower...

Odin is also one of Matilda's paddock mates. They seem quite close. Hopefully she won't tell him all of my secrets.

 Enter Penny, the retired Amish cart horse, a new love in my life.

Penny came to us a short time ago and has already made a huge impact. She is a real big mover and unstoppable. I got to ride her 4 times this week. She has an incredible amount of action in her body and will force you to loosen up your hips and your back. It is just too hard not to follow her motion. In a short time, she has made me learn to soften my posting, lighten my seat, fully release my half halts and not ride with all my weight in my left foot and hip. 

I would think, being a cart horse, she has spent a lot of time with blinders on and in her new life she loves to look! She is a true sweetheart with a gentle face. We are still opening up her personality. I have a feeling she is going to be changing a lot as she tests her boundaries and experiences the new found freedoms in her world.

In the meantime, Kim is working to get her comfortable with cantering and jumping in order to expand her new role as a lesson horse. There is a lot to come for this girl. I thoroughly enjoy her. She makes me feel giggly and school girlish. I can't help but wear a big grin when I am on her back.

This is Julian. A poor picture of Julian, sorry. Julian has been a part of Bramblewood for years now but it was last year that he blossomed as a school horse. He proved to be a phenomenal teacher until he had an injury that took him out of the game. He was put on stall rest during which he temporarily and understandably lost his mind. About a month ago, he seemed ready to get back into things. He is now being worked back into the lesson program with riders who are able to do rehab work with him: walk/trot, lots of transitions and some poles.

Kim let me get on him Friday. It was only my second time to ever get on him.  He's a little lazy and very wiggly but once he settles into the idea of forward motion, he is a super cool horse to work on. I hope to be able to ride him now and again to help with his rehab work.

And lest you think I forgot:

My sweet Matilda. She and I had an amazing week. We have achieved a level of cooperation and beauty of work between the two of us that has been unmatched thus far. Everything about our work together is going so well. She is really soft and responsive these days. We are working on building leg yields, turn on the haunch, over poles and of course the canter.

This week's focus tended toward finding some reliable, balanced canter departures. In our work over the last year, we have found one here and there, usually having two to three months in between a single success.On Thursday, we got many attempts at canter transitions with a couple of clean transitions in the mix. The very next day we had two successful canter transitions back to back. I was so excited and proud. We may get nothing like it next week but are definitely moving forward.

                                                              ********

There are moments during the week when a horse walks past and I watch the muscular legs step into a stall. I feel like I am watching a movie. It is hard to believe that this is my life, working with and around these magnificent creatures. This is a gift for which I am incredibly grateful.

On Friday, I rode 3 horses, worked with a total of 5 by the end of the day. I still get surprised when horses do what I ask. The job of learning and building skill will never end and these characters are the best of teachers.

While I love and appreciate them all, there is only one that remains my partner. (Did anyone notice my change in  pronouns? I only realized it when I read back over the horse's descriptions.)

The New Normal

Sitting here, watching the snow fall, it seemed like a good time to revamp the blog. I have several partially finished posts that I stopped writing because I reminded myself that this is supposed to be about Matilda's journey. It's just not anymore. This is about my journey now, though Matilda is and always will be a part of that.

It's snowing here in Southtown. They are calling for up to 6" of snow and ice. What?!? Between holidays, college classes taught at the barn, temperatures in the teens, ice and now snow, there has been little time for riding. I sometimes feel like I spend more time rescheduling my students than I do teaching them and I wonder "when are things going to get back to normal?"

To me, normal is having a set schedule: Ride 2 horses 3 days a week (possible bonus ride on Wednesday). Teach from 3-7, do a few closing chores (possible bonus catching up with Kim and Rachel), get home around 8:30-9:00. Teach 9-5 Saturday, Sunday and Monday off....

Then I wonder if I will recognize normal when it comes this time. It may not look the same as it did last spring. On the radar for 2014 are an increased student base, online class that I have one year to finish (already 2 months behind), building a huge course curriculum with Kim (requiring some serious research and writing time) and the opportunity to work with Kim and one of the barn's top riders on another horse that is ready to be.... ummm.... 'polished'. My house is for sale and I still have a husband and 2 dogs. Both sides of my family would like to have a reunion this spring/summer and all of my childhood friends and I are turning 40.


I may not be able to have a set schedule in the coming months.The 'new normal' may involve daily change. I may not be able to schedule an hour to study on a morning (or 3 hours to ride, for that matter) but will need to be ready to read when the moment comes to me. I may have to be ready to change my plans all the time. The new normal might include simply being flexible each moment of each day. There are things that need to be accomplished now and while riding is always on the list, I have to learn to balance it with other things in a way that wasn't required last year.

This year has huge potential and I am excited to see what it brings. With all the work to do, I don't have to wait for the snow to stop or the sun to shine. I can keep moving forward no matter whether in front of the computer or in the saddle.

People talk about horses living in the present, that they don't anticipate the future the way we do... that's hard to believe a half hour before feeding time. They certainly seem to anticipate food. In any event, I guess that is what I have to do. Live in the moment. Be ready to study or read or write in a 5 minute window if it offers itself. I'm learning to be ok with that.

Yes, a good day to overhaul the blog. This is the girl that Matilda built... is continuing to build. Cool.

Fighting for Balance

Riding has become a compulsion. I feel positively driven to ride any day that I can possibly fit in the tiniest of rides, always Tuesday through Friday. Unusually busy days like today are a struggle. I started fighting with myself yesterday: "but if I leave the house no later than 8, I can fit something in before I start teaching." or "Maybe I can stay and ride after my last lesson... I won't get home too much later than usual."

The problem is that I am tired. I am not reading, writing or taking the time to study riding theory (which I love) or study my Bible (which I also love). My babies aren't getting the extra walks I promised them... Not too mention my husband who thinks I would rather be at the barn than at home.

I love riding. Every second I spend leading the horse into and out of the ring, on a horses back, or grooming is a treasure and a blessing. Even when I am struggling with a problem, Matilda is resisting or she and I are fighting, there is happiness to be found in the saddle.

But I have to find ways to give time to the other joys in my life. Balance is so much a part of horses and it can't be just balance of body. It has to be balance in body, breath, thought and life.

It grates me a little but I will not ride today. I will enjoy my first day in my fleece lined cargo pants (since I won't be wearing riding pants). I will spend a little extra time petting the dogs and have that second cup of coffee. I will leave the barn early today, if possible.

And as I sit back, take a breath and sip my coffee, the thought crosses my mind: if you break your leg this weekend, you will regret this....

Sigh.