The Journey is Long and Crooked

It would be really hard for me to describe the last few months; I think that the following email I wrote to my sister is a good summary of events. Written about a month ago, I have to say that I was not happy when I wrote it and it includes some exaggeration and hyperbole that I can see reading it back now. I don’t want to edit it so take it with a grain of salt:  

And so you do know you are never alone in your struggles, I will further explain my Matilda 'vaguebook' from the other day.

Basically I haven't had many solid rides with her since DECEMBER. I wasn't riding in January due to scheduling and she was being used for a college class we had going on. We all started noticing that her steering was going out by the end of January. I thought she just needed a good ride with an energy burn and we did that... but that wasn't it. I can't remember exactly when that last big bolt happened but along with that I have had refusals to move, head tossing, throwing the head down, attempts to drag me into the center of the ring, inability to bend, inability to straighten.... you get my drift. We have come to the point where our rides were more fights than anything, I was trying to strong arm her into things and I truly did not like who I was as a rider with her. A lot of our rides ended up with me totally dejected and in tears. I really felt like I had totally failed her.

March is here and things have changed. She is in heat, which we suspected was part of the problem, and I think there has been a hormone release from everything that builds up during the winter. It made things better but certainly hasn't fixed things. Still have the head tosses and she's added some bucks into the mix.

Oh, did I mention that she was taken almost completely out of the schooling program b/c she has been deemed almost completely unride-able? Her one student is someone who loves her and would rather just walk with her than push with anyone else.... talk about failure.

This week I felt the first signs that things are changing. Even so it has been hit or miss. Half hour rides with lots of meandering and three - ten steps of trot. Occasionally making it around the ring. We can't even attempt a crossrail (she drags me to it and bolts upon landing) say nothing of actually cantering.

Today I went back to the hackamore, a 'bitless' bit... all the way back to the beginning. Today was our first day with it and she was much better. Nowhere near where we were but it partly confirms our suspicion that something in her mouth may be the problem. It will take time to really tell.

I've learned so much in the last year, I can feel how unbalanced she is and where she has serious muscle weakness. I understand some things better. I pushed too hard too fast for my ability and now we have to go all the way back in order to go forward.

Frustrating. Trial and error. Going back to go forward. Wow. This got long. Guess I had things to share.

Matilda Back in her Hackamore

You could put the word “maybe” or “possibly” in front of a lot of those sentences that sound absolute. In my efforts to make things better I have changed saddles, shortened our rides, spent more time in grooming… the changes are numerous and it is hard to say what actually helped or if it was just a natural ebb and flow. So many variables.

We continue to work at a much slower pace than previously. I try to keep the focus on helping her create balance and muscle memory in the basics so that we can move forward. We are working again, though and we have reached a point where I can work on improving my riding skills with her.

In the frustrating days, I started to ride another horse from time to time so that I could both enjoy riding and work on ‘my stuff’ rather than always focusing on how to get Matilda going again. I have gotten a lot out of riding Sheba and am now trying to bring what she has taught me back to Matilda. I may write more about my time with Sheba in another post.

She's so beautiful.

I could go on and on about these last few months. I have spent more time than anyone could imagine pondering Matilda: breaking down every second we spent together, trying to figure out if I have done something wrong, is it the weather, the bit, the saddle?  On and on it has gone.

We’re figuring it out together, slowly but surely, with the Kim’s help. She has listened patiently to a lot of my frustration, excitement… she has heard every story with patience and humor. I am committed to weekly lessons with her until summer begins so that she can watch and suggest and continue to listen and support. Kim’s cool.

Don’t think that everything has been “sturm und drang”. Matilda and I have been having a lot of fun. I discovered and nurtured her fondness for bananas; she gets at least half of every banana I bring to the barn. I tried to give her a cat but the cat would not stay with her. I spend countless hours with her in her stall or in her paddock: grooming her, scratching her itchy spots or watching her sleep.

In spite of or because of everything, I love her more and more. Don’t worry about that one. :)