Fighting for Balance

Riding has become a compulsion. I feel positively driven to ride any day that I can possibly fit in the tiniest of rides, always Tuesday through Friday. Unusually busy days like today are a struggle. I started fighting with myself yesterday: "but if I leave the house no later than 8, I can fit something in before I start teaching." or "Maybe I can stay and ride after my last lesson... I won't get home too much later than usual."

The problem is that I am tired. I am not reading, writing or taking the time to study riding theory (which I love) or study my Bible (which I also love). My babies aren't getting the extra walks I promised them... Not too mention my husband who thinks I would rather be at the barn than at home.

I love riding. Every second I spend leading the horse into and out of the ring, on a horses back, or grooming is a treasure and a blessing. Even when I am struggling with a problem, Matilda is resisting or she and I are fighting, there is happiness to be found in the saddle.

But I have to find ways to give time to the other joys in my life. Balance is so much a part of horses and it can't be just balance of body. It has to be balance in body, breath, thought and life.

It grates me a little but I will not ride today. I will enjoy my first day in my fleece lined cargo pants (since I won't be wearing riding pants). I will spend a little extra time petting the dogs and have that second cup of coffee. I will leave the barn early today, if possible.

And as I sit back, take a breath and sip my coffee, the thought crosses my mind: if you break your leg this weekend, you will regret this....

Sigh.

Down the Rabbit Hole

(I need to rename this blog "Matilda's Project" and change some things. It's time to commit to letting this be about more than training Matilda and we are so far past the whole clicker training thing....)

About 13 years ago, I was working in an office in Washington, DC and living at home with my folks, saving money. I decided I had to do something different and after contemplating many options (including a simple vacation and taking classes for Microsoft certification) I decided to go back to school to get a music teaching degree at Converse College.

I was taking voice lessons at the time from an amazing teacher, Mrs. Eddy-Hurley. She was amazing to me not because of her teaching ability, though she is an excellent teacher, but because of her intuitive empathy. My arthritis was in it's 'glory' at the time and she could tell by the look on my face and how I walked into her studio how I was feeling. She would instinctively know that I was not up to standing next to the piano and pull out a chair that I could perch on for work or that I was so uncomfortable and sore we had to chuck the lesson and do body work, stretching and breathing on the floor. I would always leave her studio a little less locked up than when I walked into it.

She inspired me. I wanted to go back to school to be a teacher like her. Sharing a joy with people of all ages and from any walk of life but in such a way that was not limited by an expectation that we would simply work at singing everyday.

I was quickly side tracked at Converse. I made choices, some good~some bad (don't worry Ron, I think of you as one of the good ones:), that took me on a different path. It wasn't long before I was back in an office.

Ron and I caught some real breaks that allowed us to make some different choices in our lives. One was that Ron wanted me to realize a childhood dream of riding horses. I remember him talking about finding a place out in Taylors, he had talked to one of the owners on the phone and wanted to take a look. I remember driving out from Spartanburg that first time, thinking that it was too long a drive and there was no way this was actually happening; no way we would keep this up. Silliness.

Then I found myself riding. And I found Mrs. Eddy-Hurley again, this time in Kim. She seemed to know when my knees hurt too much or when I was too frightened to be pushed (more on fear later) but I rarely had to tell her. She knew (and still knows) when to chuck the lesson plan and just talk. Then she invited me deeper into her world.

Now I find, unexpectedly, that I have ended up on the path that was started 13 years ago. I am in a place where I can be the teacher I dreamed of being: 'Sharing a joy with people of all ages and from any walk of life but in such a way that was not limited by an expectation that we would simply work at singing (now riding) everyday.'. I just saw all this for the first time yesterday. Amazing.

It is never, ever too late folks. If God calls you to something, He calls you. It may not look like what you thought and the path may have many side trips but keep yourself open and all of a sudden you find yourself There. Too cool.

Thank you Kim, for inviting me into your Wonderland.

In October 2007 (I think), Ron and I walked down the gravel driveway of Bramblewood Stables for the first time:

Cathy, the first horse I rode at Bramblewood

 

 

 

Ron and Iggy

Bella, the only horse I ever owned, with Matilda, the horse that taught me you do not own horses. Horses own you. Then you spend your life making yourself worthy of their trust.

One of my first times on M. 2009?

Telling moment: Penny saw the barn before our house

Then all the rest:

 

 

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
~Jeremiah 29:11 (RSV)

Yatta!!!

Today, I mounted Matilda from the ground. I honestly didn't think my leg was strong enough. Kim did. She made me try. I'm still a bit incredulous.

Then we found those canter steps that we've been looking for the past few weeks. On a circle. From a halt/walk. With only a 2-3 trot steps in between....

Ummmm.... that's all.

Trail Prep and Hill Work

I'm sorry all my pictures look basically the same but this is what I see, so you might as well see things from my perspective:)

I started putting this together yesterday. This morning I thought about this and the last two years as I read:

At the time, all discipline seems a cause not for joy but for pain, yet later it brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who are trained by it. ~ Hebrews 12:11

First we pause to take it all in...

while Matilda snacks on the hill:)

We walk down the hill,

And trot up!

Heading into the paddocks

One of my favorite spots. You can see the mountains.

Once the leaves are down we'll be able to see most of Bramblewood from here.

Down to the trailhead

Then some well deserved relaxation!

Summer Riding

As the summer comes to a close it is a god time to look back and share what's been going on with Matilda and me over the course of the summer. Two ideas really dictated my approach, both from conversations with Kim towards the end of Spring:

1) Why does summer (bringing with it heat, summer camps and more ring traffic throughout the day) have to mean that I ride less? Just ride.

2) For the horse's sake, be the rider that you want your students and/or clients to become some day. Ride for others.

So that is what I did (or attempted to do). I rode. I got to the barn early to ride, before summer camps started, or during the heat of the day, the only time the ring was relatively clear. I rode in the rain. Some days I only had 15 minutes and so would do a 5 minute groom and sit on a pony for 10 minutes, trying to teach it to stand still. I made my best attempt to keep riding no matter what and ended up riding 2-4 times a week most of the summer.

I kept up my lessons with Kim for all but 2 weeks which helped to keep me on task. Words cannot express the joys of being in lessons, continuing to learn, grow and develop.

Matilda and I worked following my new philosophy of riding "small and smart": riding for others. The barn needs solid horse teachers for our students that we can trust with walk/trot work first. We spent our summer, not looking for great leaps of progress but keeping the focus on balance, engaging her hind quarters and building strength and muscle memory. All the while I was watching her, looking for patterns of bursts of energy or unwillingness to work. More and more I feel like our theory is correct: that most of Matilda's inconsistencies (resulting in head tosses, kicking up her heels or bolts) are due to lack of balance in her body and/or mine. With that in mind, we worked transitions and circles adding in poles here and there. We kept everything at the walk and trot as we built in a true emergency brake by doing halt transitions ad nauseum.

The Pony and Me

(As a short side note, I was also given the opportunity to join a team or riders that have been working with a pony  belonging to one of our boarders. He has been a blast to ride and work with throughout the summer. I hope I have helped the pony's owner by doing a little bit of ground work with him and helping burn some energy off during the week. He has been another good teacher for me and shown me some imbalances and oddities in how I am carrying myself that I have been able to take back to my work with Matilda.)

Our work appears to be paying off. We made it through the summer without another bolt or anything like it (even with the incredibly crazy rainy, cool summer we had here). Head tosses are incredibly rare. Kim, Matilda and I have begun venturing out to find her canter transition again while maintaining our focus on balance and consistency at the walk and trot. She is lighter and stronger these days. Her straight lines are straighter and her bend is soft. Her head is coming higher as she learns to engage her hind end more and more (though she would always prefer to stretch her head low). Her halt transitions are pretty gorgeous.

A common summer sight: Matilda waits for some banana

I received the best compliment ever, recently, when I heard someone talking about Matilda moving on her tippy toes. She is so much lighter you don't necessarily hear the thud of a draft horse clunking around the ring. Sometimes you even have to look to find her because of her light steps.

We have also begun re-introducing her to some of the students who were riding her before we took her out of the program in February/March. They seem to feel a difference as well, commenting on her softness and ease of movement.

Needless to say all of this makes me very happy. We have worked hard. I continue to ride even as others are using her more. In the past, I backed off riding her as her lesson schedule picked up and I think it was a mistake. Continuing to reenforce her basics for her sake is important so that other riders can focus on their own work without having to worry about her so much. (Does that sentence make any sense?!?)

Is there anything better than a freshly drug arena?

In my lesson, we are taking tiny steps forward by adding crossrails and, as I said, looking for her canter out of a walk transition. This requires good balance from her and it is a bit of a struggle for me. I have confidence that we will find it and it will be better than ever. More relaxed, lighter... less like I am being drug around the ring.... rather carried. I'm looking forward to continuing on!

I should add that it hasn't been all work. I have been able to practice my jousting skills, using my crop to battle unwary low hanging branches along the side of the ring. We have chased cats, scared people by sneaking up behind them, hurried into the freshly drug arena to make sure Matilda's footprints were the first, shared watermelon and bananas.... 

We are also starting to think about getting back on the trails. It's been a long time since either Matilda or I have been out on the trails. We are preparing by taking walks through paddocks, Kim's front yard, up and down the driveway and down to the trailhead and back. We are waiting for tick season to firmly come to an end before even thinking about really venturing out. It should be an exciting fall!

Who I Choose to be.

If, as a teenager, someone had said to me, "I think you might be a strong female role model someday", they would have received that withering look I mastered all too early. (A strong anything was outside my imagination quite frankly) Mentioning the idea of being a teacher would have gotten you a kick in the shin. Yet I find myself in the awkward position of being both.

This point was driven home to me a couple of months ago as I was telling an off-hand story about my computer breaking. The guy who fixed it put some software on my computer that he thought I had but didn't. Something for nothing.

At the end of the story, I turned around to see my young student staring at me. Sponge in hand. Small black pony behind her.

Something for nothing. Stealing. No big deal by society standards.. But had she actually been listening? I could hear countless possible conversations between her and her parents...

My awareness was heightened. These kids are my students. The learning does not necessarily begin and end with horses. I am a teacher. Responsibility... It was a longer than usual drive home that night as so many thoughts boiled in my brain. I began to see my job in a totally new and much larger and brighter light.

There is a group of kids now in the world for whom I will forever be their "first riding instructor." When, hopefully, they are introducing their children to horses for the first time, they might reminisce about "Miss Sarah" and Bramblewood Stables. My name will be alongside Max, Choo or Lady as their first riding experience. I have the ability to craft that person and shape that experience.

Of course, perception plays into things. You can say the exact same words to two different students and one will think you a monster while the other sees you as just silly. Besides that, I am always me, somewhat awkward and nutty, tripping over poles and losing track of words. Sometimes losing my students in the ring for a moment because they walked behind me and my big hat. There are choices I can make, however, about how I present myself to my students and their parents.

Strong (or positive) female role model. Am I just being arrogant thinking that I could hold that kind of title?

I don't believe so. I believe that anytime you  are doing something that the people (especially kids) around you want to do and be a part of you automatically become a strong positive or negative role model. We have plenty of negative role models to observe. Most people probably get there by not caring and not choosing who they want to be to the world.

I am trying to actively choose the other. I want to be a positive influence in the lives around me. What does it mean to be a strong female role model? Does it mean that you are invincible? Know everything and are always right? Able to lift gigantic piles of horse poop and shavings with one hand tied behind your back? Not by my reckoning. To me it means:

I care about you (my students) and the world around me.I think the world is big and beautiful! I am not afraid to express my enthusiasm about the world that I live in. Horses are a part of that world. They are fun, exciting and wonderful teachers in their own right. They are also dangerous. Be patient. If you try to get to a goal quickly you are more likely to be hurt. Then you will walk away and lose this incredible gift of a life with horses. I don't want that for you.

I'm far from perfect and it's ok that you know. I fail but I try to fix it. I have bad days and I will be straight up about it if I'm in the midst of one. Kids need to know you fail or are sad or unhappy but that you can overcome and achieve in spite of it..

I'm not too proud to learn about my craft from 6 year olds during their first lesson or from taking lessons with people who have been in the business much longer than me. You never stop learning.  

I am living proof that it is never too late to achieve a dream you were never brave enough to dream. 
 
I consider each of the students under my care as precious cargo, even on the days they drive me crazy. I want them to know they are part of a world that is so much bigger than they understand but that they are still important.

For some reason, I got the idea growing up that most of my answers would be wrong and my opinions were unimportant. (Nobody knows why - God know I have the most wonderful and encouraging set of parents on the face of the earth, but there it is.) I had a  tendency to be shy, sharing my world and true self with a few friends that I felt really comfortable around. (Some may not believe that because they will only remember the silly moments but they didn't know how terrified I was almost every time I spoke).

So now I listen. If for some unknown reason my student thinks it's important for me to know about their favorite toy, that scratch on their dog's back, how their brother or sister kept them up late or that their grandpa watches a lot of TV then it's important for me to try to tune in and acknowledge their voice. I am a teacher and possible role model. They need to know that what they think about and say is worth hearing.

Not that I always succeed. It's not that easy. But I try.

I know some parents probably see us chatting and worry about how they are paying for their son or daughter to learn how to ride. Well, they'll learn to ride. I promise. It may take longer than you want but they'll get there.

They just might pick up some other things along the way.

Lesson Learned in a Lesson

Today was lesson two in the weekly series of lessons I plan on taking until the beginning of June. What a difference it makes to have someone else creating the exercise and changing it if necessary, to get instant feedback (whether it be compliment or critique) and to know you can settle into the process because this isn't your one shot to get as much as you can... that it will not be 3-6 months before you get anymore concentrated feedback (unless you are willing to interrupt some poor slubs lesson:/ guilty.)

It was so nice to feel the progression as Kim corrected, suggested and encouraged. And how beautiful to talk about what you felt and be able to ask questions and laugh about the weird things that might happen in the course of an hour.

One of the things I've been battling with Matilda recently is a short attention span. After half hour in the ring she would start to stumble and pop shoulders and head toss... to me, indications of loss of focus for one reason or another...

Today, as I began expounding on something like my 6th topic in twenty minutes ... well, Squirrel! What was I saying?

Most animals, horses included, become, in part at least, reflections of their rider; they mirror their riders focus, stiffness, fear, tension, softness, etc. I just had to laugh as I realized that Matilda's attention issues were mine as well! It helps to have eyes on the ground identifying where you have become the problem.

Then it helps to laugh at yourself.

Ride time by yourself is important, too, but I really do need more than 1 lesson every 6 months if I want to keep growing as a rider. I am looking forward to May.